SALK LAKE, CALIFORNIA — Eyewitnesses say they were “stunned,” and their friends and family have expressed some surprise as well. When it was all said and done, however, Katie and Thad Palmer told us they have no regrets about what they did, and would do it again if they had another child in a similar situation.
The Palmers made headlines in their small California town this week when it was reported that a masked stranger injected their ten year old daughter with chemicals, and that as a result, the couple claimed their child was safe from the worst effects that COVID-19 has to offer, according to the same masked stranger that had just injected their child. Adding another wrinkle to the story, the Palmers didn’t press charges on the masked stranger, and in fact thanked her after she’d stabbed their daughter with a syringe.
Local authorities say they were powerless to stop Katie and Thad, and in fact they have received several more reports of incidents just like this one since earlier in the week.
“Probably the most surprising thing? They were even happy, high-fiving each other afterward,” one eyewitness said to us in an email. “I’ve never seen parents so giddy about someone stabbing their kid before. Thanks, Obama.”
The Palmers agreed to do an interview with this publication, to explain why they were so happy to have a woman in a mask push a needle full of chemicals into their daughter’s bloodstream.
“Well, for starters, we aren’t biologists, or doctors, but we also aren’t complete and total fucking dumbasses,” Thad told us. “So we did the same thing for her that we did for chickenpox, the mumps, rubella, pertussis, and even the flu. We got her a vaccine.”
An unapologetic Katie told us that she and Thad wasted no time getting their daughter set up with an appointment to be vaccinated, noting that their daughter was the last of their brood to be approved for one.
“All this year as Thad, myself, and her brother got vaccinated, we kept telling Griselda, our youngest, that her turn would come soon,” Katie told us in a Skype interview. “As soon as the FDA said she could get it, we signed her up. No matter what, we were going to get Griselda injected, and there wasn’t going to be anything to stand in our way.”
Deputy Van Halen of the local police force told us that not only does he not intend to arrest the Palmers, he hopes more parents drag their kids into a room and have a masked person inject chemicals into their veins.
“If everyone was as willing to go the lengths that the Palmers are, we’d have a whole generation of kids protected from COVID,” Deputy Van Halen told us.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.