Alleged pizza restaurant Papa John’s announced during its month-end call with investors last week that they will be rolling out a new pie in the very near future.
The Deep Dish Deep State Pizza will hopefully help the chain regain some of its flagging sales. The so-called pizza purveyors already tried shaking up their top level executive team starting with CEO John Schnatter, who stepped down at the end of 2017, and their Chief Financial Officer just jumped ship to work for Jack in the Box. Schnatter had raised eyebrows and made headlines for the several years as he revealed more and more of his political views to the public, starting with outspoken complaints about the Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare, and culminating in Schnatter getting caught in the cross hairs of public outcry when he blamed the sales drop at the company he started at least partially on NFL player protests of police brutality.
Spoiler Alert: You’re A Fucking Asshole
As if all that publicity wasn’t tough enough for the supposed pizza chain, they were further embroiled in controversy when white nationalists began professing their love of Papa John’s after they perceived Schnatter as an ally to their cause. Papa John’s was forced to hastily release a statement condemning racism and bigotry in all forms, but the American alt-right-wing still continued to defend and promote Papa John’s, which they told investors this morning was a “major impetus” for the creation of the Deep Dish Deep State Pizza.
“At first we were really afraid of what being associated with the most hard-line fringe right-wingers would do to our bottom line,” Deputy Media Contact Susan Susanovich told investors, “but then we decided, fuck it, and we embraced it. After all, you know our motto: Better Ingredients, Allegedly Pizza, Money Rules Everything. So, here we are, introducing this truly awesome pizza.”
During the call, Ms. Susanovich described the new pizza in great detail.
“What’s really great about this new pie is that it will save us millions of dollars because we don’t actually need any ingredients for it,” Susanovich said. “It’s just going to be an empty box. That’s it. Oh, but we’ll wrap it all up in tinfoil, just to complete the aesthetic, know what I mean? But other than that, it’s literally nothing. No crust, no cheese, no sauce. No toppings. Just a foil-wrapped empty box, and that’s it. Although for an additional surcharge will print out a racist Breitbart or InfoWars story and put in your box for you.”
Each pizza will come with heavy narcotics and psychotropics so that customers can simulate the feeling they get when they watch Fox News or listen to right-wing talk radio.
“That way, when they open the box, they’ll think they’re seeing the biggest, most beautiful, and tastiest pizza ever, but the box will be completely and utterly empty,” Susanovich promised investors. “But as die-hard Republicans, we think most of our customers will be used to being promised something that never, ever materializes. We’ll just tell them the pizza will trickle down later.”
