Over 4,000 Dead U.S. Soldiers Send Gear to John McCain With Note: ‘You First, A-Hole’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — It is no secret on the Hill that Senator John McCain (R-AZ), is not a fan of the framework deal that U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry signed with his Iranian counterparts last week. McCain, normally known for being almost completely adverse to drawing attention to himself by making vapid, empty criticisms of something that is generally seen as a good thing by most Americans, has been seen on the airwaves and heard on radios across the country telling people that the deal is a bad one and that President Barack Obama’s administration should not be trusted to make in the first place. McCain called Kerry “delusional” and in response Obama slammed the “partisanship” he sees as being a threat to the deal he and his administration have been cobbling together for months.

Arizona’s senior senator is part of a growing contingent of Republicans in Congress that want to leave the door open to the possibility of invading Iran wide open. Fellow GOP senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas made headlines when he convinced McCain to be one of forty-five other Republicans that co-signed Cotton’s letter to Iran that essentially warned its government not to consider any deals with Obama’s White House as binding. Many in the media have found it bewildering at best that McCain could be pushing for the possibility with war in Iran when he was so unapologetically and historically incorrect about the Iraq War, and the implications of instability that would arise from toppling Iran are far more dangerous for the region than they were even as the U.S. was toppling Saddam Hussein in Iraq.

Concerned over what they have been reading and hearing come out of McCain and his fellow Republicans’ mouths over the last couple of weeks, one group who is diametrically opposed to another war of choice in the Middle East decided to do something a little unorthodox, which was to actually encourage McCain and the Congressional Republicans to go to war with Iran — without the assistance of the U.S. Armed Forces. The groups spokeswoman told The Political Garbage Chute that she and her fellow Iraq War veterans in the group believe “if John boy wants war so badly, he can go all by himself” and that “he should remember after all these years which end of the gun to point at the little brown people you don’t care if you’re murdering for no real good reason at all.” Lt. Sarah Slattery told our reporter that her group — made up entirely of the more than 4,000 young men and women who lost their lives in the Iraq War, also sent McCain a personalized message and care package.

“We sent him our gear and a note,” Slattery told us by way of psychic medium. “The note was really simple — inter-dimensional correspondence is best kept short and sweet anyway,” said the late Lt. Slattery. What did Slattery’s note say? “You first asshole,” she told us, “because at this point, it’s only he and his ignorant, xenophobic, blood thirsty, war mongering asshole cohorts in his party that think we can war our way into peace. It’s idiotic after looking back at more than seven decades of American warfare post World War II and to think we are any good at nation building,” Slattery said.

“I mean, if you think about it, it kinda makes sense that we’d not be very good at exporting democracy anyway,” Lt. Slattery told us. “After all, we’re supposed to be the ‘model’ of equality and in more than two dozen states you can still be legally fired for being gay. Hell, in a lot of states less than fifty years ago a black girl and a white guy getting married was a crime!” Slattery said it’s “very telling that they’ve had to essentially lie about the imminent danger of unseen boogey men in order to convince us we had to go to war” each time since the end of WWII. “If you have to lie about the threat a so-called enemy poses, then that enemy doesn’t quite pose the threat you say they do,” Slattery argued.

Senator McCain’s office confirmed they received over 4,000 boxes full of Kevlar vests, helmets, various articles of camouflaged clothing, and an autographed copy of Dick Cheney’s book, “Sorry I’m Making You Sacrifice Your Youth and/or Life for My Bullshit Reasons, But Man Are My Bank Accounts Full,” which was part of the standard-issued equipment back in 2003. “Senator McCain is flattered by the gift these fine, young, dead Americans have presented to him, and he will take their perspective into consideration the next time he mouth-frothingly demands we bomb another country instead of talking to them.”

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