Out of Gravy, Carly Fiorina Uses Blood of Planned Parenthood Victims For Thanksgiving Leftovers

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MASON NECK, VIRGINIA — Not more than a few hours after she told Fox News that any attempts to hold her accountable for her anti-Planned Parenthood rhetoric in the wake of a man’s armed assault against one of the low-cost healthcare provider’s facilities in Colorado Springs, Colorado, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina says she found herself at home “very thankful” for her”Fox News Sunday” appearance. Ms. Fiorina told the show’s host that she flatly and categorically denied any responsibility for helping to foment outrage against Planned Parenthood in the weeks leading up to the shooting. At a press conference held early Monday morning, Fiorina said her appearance really came in handy later that day as she was eating some Thanksgiving dinner leftovers.

“There I was, arranging all the food on my plate,” Fiorina told reporters, “when I realized that I had absolutely no gravy to pour all over my mashed potatoes, turkey and stuffing.” That’s when Fiorina says she began “frantically scouring” her kitchen for something to make gravy with. “No one wants dry Thanksgiving leftovers,” she said. It was when she decided out of last minute desperation to check the purse she had taken to the television studio that morning, that she was relieved to find six jars, filled to the brim with the blood of the victims of the Colorado Springs assault.

Fiorina told reporters that she had no idea how the jars of the victims got into her purse, but that she “sure was glad to have found them in there.” She told reporters that in her view, “denying any and all responsibility for fostering an attitude of ambivalence toward the lives of those who go to Planned Parenthood for medical care” helped cover her in the blood of the three people who died and the eleven people who were injured when a man who police sources said shouted “no more baby parts” as he carried out his attack entered the Planned Parenthood in Colorado Springs and began shooting people.

“Rest assured, my blatant attempt to foment anti-Planned Parenthood animosity into a rabid and angry mob of voters in no way had anything to do with the man who just took his anti-Planned Parenthood animosity into action by assaulting a Planned Parenthood facility,” Fiorina told reporters, “but I am sure glad that I had the temerity to shirk my responsibility over what I’ve been spreading about Planned Parenthood thanks to those highly doctored videos.”

Ms. Fiorina said that in the absence of gravy, she decided to smother the food on her plate in the innocent victims’ blood that she’d found in her purse. “What’s the use of being a cold, callous, delusional liar if you can’t moisten up your holiday leftovers with the blood of the innocent people you have all over your hands anyway,” Fiorina asked. She told reporters at first she wasn’t sure how the meal would taste, but that eventually she was able to completely ignore her sense of decency again, and thoroughly enjoy her leftovers, though she said as she ate she had time to think and get angry about how the media has treated her since the attack.

“How dare the left-wing media attempt to hold me accountable,” Fiorina said as the press conference was ending, “for using obvious propaganda as emotional red meat to pander to the most angry and anti-feminist parts of my party and that exact sentiment being expressed while this psychotic maniac was murdering people in the name of ‘no more baby parts’?” Fiorina lamented that “it’s a sad day in America when right-wing religious zealots are asked to atone for their part in encouraging a violent sociopath to commit acts of wanton murder instead of settling disputes at the ballot box like adults are supposed to do.”

Though she had surged in the polls shortly after making her bold claims about the Planned Parenthood sting videos, Fiorina has seen her numbers plummet back downward, and she currently sits at the bottom of the pack again, with just under a year to go before the election is held.

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