Tell me something, libs. Do you guys live on the same planet we white REAL patriots live on? Because I have to tell you, it seems like you’re all even more delusional than usual, and it’s becoming apparent that we’re going to need to have a talk, you and I, about accepting reality.

First of off, let’s get this “Big Lie” B.S. out of the way. If you all think 60+ court cases, multiple recounts, and even state investigations into voter fraud will convince us that the election was fair and square, just because we have yet to prove any of our allegations of widespread voter fraud, you’ve got another thing coming. My entire life I have believed that a literal virgin was literally impregnated with the literal son of literal God’s literal deity-cum and then she birthed him, he lived for about 34 years, and was executed. Then, he awoke from death three days later.

Shapiro: “Democrats Are Racist for Implying Minorities Can’t Get Around Republican Cheating on Their Own!”

If I can believe in that kind of mystical fairy tale as reality, then you better believe I can, and will, live the rest of my days believing that, at most, like sixteen or seventeen people spread out over the coastal elite and, ahem, URBAN centers of America, defrauded my sweet tangerine tinted prince out of his rightful second term on the throne. Because I am so convinced of this fact, I support the efforts of Republicans in my state to repeal our state’s constitution and make it so that each person who wants to vote has to submit to an examination and only if they are approved, own property, and are, shall we say, melanin-deficient, they’ll be allowed to vote.

Voter fraud is so rampant and so real, despite us literally finding absolutely no evidence to prove it, that we have no choice but to make it so that a very, very small percentage of us are actually allowed to vote. Hell, we’d be okay with the vast majority of our own, unwashed voters being disenfranchised, just so long as if we could guarantee that we’d still have more voters than the loony, unhinged, Antifa-sponsored cancel culture left.

Truthfully though, even once you all finally accept that voter fraud is totes real, you’re going to have to reckon with even more.

Iraq had an active WMD program. That’s why we invaded Iraq. Any minute now, the nearly 20 year old war we started will produce evidence of the WMD program. If it doesn’t, it just means we need to spend more time looking, obviously.

Same goes for trickle down economics. It works. It just does. Don’t ask us to show you evidence that isn’t highly cherry picked. But it’s true. I’ve seen the proof personally. Grover Norquist showed it to me one time. It was quite convincing.

Won’t you join us in reality, liberals?

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.

MORE: Republican Party Developing Its Own App for Sex Payments

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.