|The following editorial was submitted by the office of Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL). The views and opinions expressed herein are of that of Rep. Gaetz, the QAnon Cult, a certain twice-impeached reality-TV dipshit, and maybe Steve Bannon if Matt’s still blowing him. They do not necessarily reflect those of this outlet, its management, or ownership. Or even sentient life forms for that matter.|
For years now, those of us who occupy the space on the political spectrum reserved for right-wing ideology have been trying to warn the American people about a grave threat to their safety, security, and very liberties they hold so dear. The threat’s name is “George Soros,” and literally everything that you don’t like about your life is his fault.
Don’t like that your co-worker got the promotion at work and you’re pretty sure it’s because he’s brown-skinned and not because you keep showing up to work drunk and abusive? George Soros’ fault.
Aren’t happy that schools are literally sitting your white kid down, punching her in the throat, and teaching her that being white makes her the actual devil and that she needs to give all her money to black people for the rest of her life or she’s going to Racist Hell? Blame George Soros.
Have extremely small genitals? Like, genitals so small even the teenage girls you pay to drag across state lines to pay to fuck you laugh at how much your cock and balls look like what they see when they change their little brother’s diapers? GEORGE. FUCKING. SOROS.
Took you by surprise with that last one, didn’t I? Well, I know for a fact that I am not the only one who has a micropenis, microballs, and a super weird looking bonch. All of which are George Soros, fault, by the way. It’s true!
I’ve had the same doctor who confirmed for the American people that Don Trump is 220 lbs of lean, pure muscle, do some tests, and he said George Soros made my junk small and weird!
My question for the American people is: What are we going to do about it?
Are we going to let George Soros ruin everything? Our schools? Our government? Our penises and balls? Where does the damage stop, America? Will you stand up and fight? Will you fight George Soros on behalf of my genitals?
Wait. Where did everyone go? Come back here! Stand and fight, goddamn it!
…I’m going to jail, aren’t I?
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.