CORNPONE, ALABAMA — A man who was at an evangelical church visited by President Trump just sold a Bible the president autographed for him on eBay for an astounding sum.
“I was just completely blown away. That’s more money than I get in welfare assistance every month since I lost my job back in ’08,” Jesse Phillips told us via Skype. “So this $666 is really gonna come in handy.”
Jesse says that when he found out Trump was coming to his state to visit after tornadoes ravaged the area, he knew he had to get from his small home town to wherever the president was headed.
“I wasn’t sure if he’d be tossin’ towels or what, and I knew if I could get my hands on one of ’em, I might be able to sell it on eBay,” Phillips said. “I was absolutely blown away when Trump started signing bibles!”
Phillips says at first he wasn’t sure if he should hand his own bible to Trump to sign.
“I mean, there are commandments about not worshiping someone else before God,” Jesse began, “and boy does it seem like fawning all over a D-list reality-TV star and having him sign the Bible like he’s the one who wrote the thing would fall squarely in that category.”
But the allure of selling a Trump signed bible for a profit was just too much for Phillips to resist in the end. He took a chance and pushed his way to the front of a group of Alabamans asking Trump to sign things.
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“Once he finished signing that woman’s titty, it was my turn,” Jessie said. “So I just handed him the bible, and he moved on it like a bitch; grabbed it by the index, and signed.”
He was too starstruck to say much more than, “Make America White AF Again, fam” to the president, but Phillips recovered quickly enough and rushed back home. There, he took a couple of quick photos of the bible and posted it to eBay, with a one day auction time.
“I was gonna strike while the iron’s hot,” Jesse told us.”I was just so blown away when the price hit $666! That’s so much money!”
And who would pay so much for a signed copy of a bible from the commander in chief? All Jesse has is the eBay user’s screenname.
“It was TheActualGod23,” Phillips divulged. “Whoever it is sent me a message thanking me for putting it up for sale because they said they needed to get all those signed copies and make them disappear so it didn’t ruin their reputation or whatever. I couldn’t understand that, but I don’t care, I got their money already!”
Jesse plans to donate half the proceeds to the Trump campaign, and then take the rest and buy as much Chick-Fil-A as he can with it.
“I figure I can freeze a butt load of it and live off that stuff for awhile,” Jesse said. “I’m just grateful to Trump. Praise his name for this lovely bounty!”
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
