On His First Day as Speaker, Paul Ryan Has Promised To Do These Three Things

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — He hasn’t been elected Speaker of the House just yet, but Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), who was the second half of the Republican Party’s last failed presidential campaign, has already told the media what he plans to do should he win the election, and he even laid out specifics for three of his most important priorities that he claims he’ll take care of on Day One.

“If the People’s House chooses to elect me as its next Speaker, I will do so with all my heart and soul,” Ryan said in a statement released from his office, “and I will tackle all of the three items below on the very first day I am handed the gavel.” Ryan’s memo then listed three bullet items, which he would call “vital” later in the memo. What follows is a reprinting of those three bullet items.

Combine All Republican Scandal Investigations Into One Called¬†“Fuck Hillary Clinton”

Why are we trying to hide it anymore? The whole country can see that we’re going after Hillary Rodham Clinton on a personal, political level. Governing isn’t about working with your opponents to find common ground and fix real-world problems; it’s about petty disputes and power struggles and raking people over the coals in an effort to lower their polling numbers. Every single one of our gerrymandered voters knows this, so why hide it? Let’s take Senator Ted Cruz’s lead and be unabashed in our demagoguery of Hillary Clinton, and just take all the scandals — whether they involve Ms. Clinton or not — and call them “The House Select Special Committee on Fuck Hillary Clinton.” It has a very nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

Dead-Lift Nancy Pelosi Over My Head and Clean and Jerk Her

What’s the quickest way to show the Democrats we are in charge and won’t take any of their hippy-dippy, liberal nonsense? By leveraging my guns, ripped abs, and shredded calves, of course. What good is pumping all that sweet, sweet iron if I can’t use it to hoist the House Minority Leader over my head in a triumphant display of physical prowess? As soon as I’m sworn in, I’ll grab Nancy lay her down on the floor on her side, and clean and jerk that bleeding heart liberal ten times without breaking a sweat. Then we’ll vote on a fetal personhood bill and call it a day.

We Will Fake Repeal Obamacare 65 Times IN ONE DAY

Don’t get me wrong here — former Speaker Boehner did our party and this country a great service by spending millions of dollars on repealing Obamacare more than 50 times when it had no chance of leaving the Senate, much less being signed by Obama himself. But if you ask me, being the Speaker means you need to be bold, and take decisive steps to show your voting base you hear them loud and clear. So we’re going to repeal that terrible, liberal, hair brained scheme — that was a right-wing think tank idea — and we’re going to repeal the living shit out of it. But unlike Boehner, I’m not going to dole out the repeals over the course of my term, no! We’re going to repeal that atrocious law 65 times in one single day. It’ll accomplish the exact same amount that repealing it the other few dozen times did, but the difference is that we’ll waste all that money at once. I hope my Democrat friends pay attention; that’s how government works most efficiently.


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