LAKE HOOCH, FLORIDA — 27-year-old Olympic swimmer Ryan McGee will not be kicked off the team, coaches have told reporters this morning. This, despite the fact that Mr. McGee reportedly showed up to a practice this week, according to teammates, “completely and utterly crocked.”
“Ryan came to practice Tuesday morning, and it was obvious he’d been drinking since Monday night,” teammate Chad Stephens told us. “I just remember being so thankful that he was drunk and not under the influence of something like marijuana. Then there’d be real consequences.”
Coach Jeff Beefington told reporters that once he determined McGee had in fact shown up to practice drunk, he “took the necessary steps” required of him by International Olympic Committee guidelines.
“That is to say I did nothing except give him permission to go chug a gallon of water, take a few ibuprofen, and sleep it off,” Beefington explained. “It’s not like it was cannabis I caught him doing; then I’d have to immediately have him drug tested and he might even be suspended or off the team.”
By the time we were able to interview Mr. McGee, he’d been able to sleep for a few hours, and had sobered up. He did tell us he was suffering from a “wicked pisser of a hangover” however. We asked McGee if the attention he’s getting now will impact his future behavior.
“No. Not at all. I’m a white male semi-functioning alcoholic,” McGree laughed. “Now, if I had more melanin in my skin or a psychotropic substance in my blood stream, then we’d be having a different conversation. But the only thing I’ll do differently is try to leave the bar an hour earlier so I can sober up on the way to practice.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.