Ohio Schools Set to Start Teaching Pull-Out Only Sex Ed Classes

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COLUMBUS, OHIO — Word out of the state legislature in Ohio is that the state’s Republican lawmakers are very close to bringing a bill to the floor that would require all schools in the state that teach sexual education courses to use a new curriculum designed by Ohio’s top social scientists from it’s most prominent right-wing think tank.

“Starting in the 2016-2017 school year, all sexual ed courses will be pull-out only,” State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) told the media at a press conference late this week. Thompaulsen said the decision was made after news broke that one school in Ohio was teaching children that getting married prevents sexually transmitted diseases. Rep. Thompaulsen says he and his fellow Republicans were “inspired and turned on” by the idea that the school would take “such bold steps in teaching our kids how sex really works.”

Thompaulsen told reporters that when a representative from a religious-based pregnancy center came and spoke to eighth-graders last month and told them “a myriad of less than scientifically accurate” things about sex — such as if a pregnancy results from rape or incest the only legal recourse in the state is to give the child up for adoption — many were “shocked and horrified,” but he and his fellow GOP cohorts “saw a grand opportunity to tweak the sex ed curriculum even more.”

“I have always been a huge fan of the pull-out method,” Thompaulsen said, “because as a good, clean, American Republican Catholic, I know that the only birth control method that doesn’t offend God is pulling out, just before ejaculation.” Rep. Thompaulsen said that “if the pull-out method is good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for Ohio’s schools.” Thompaulsen said that while he and the other Republicans in his caucus agree that the best approach to sex is “to teach kids to hide it, and to shun their sexual feelings” but that “sometimes a kids’ just gotta fuck” and in those cases, “I’d much rather he use the method of sexual protection that suits my own personal religious beliefs best.”

Other birth control methods will be covered, but not pushed as forcefully, Thompaulsen said. “We’re also going to teach the kids about the ‘back door-no babies’ method and the ‘if the girl goes pee right afterward she won’t get pregnant’ method,” Thompaulsen said, “but the one we’re really going to push is the pull-out.” He then produced some visual aids the class will employ such as various bull’s eye targets that can be “respectfully placed on the girl’s body for target practice and encouragement.”

“Look, as a Christian conservative I would much rather we ignore our children’s natural sexual curiosity and not mention sex at all until they’re in their early 30’s,” Thompaulsen said as the press conference was wrapping up, “but even we Republicans need to get with the times. Normally that would mean teaching them about the safe and reliable forms of birth control like condoms and the various contraceptive pills on the market. But again, we’re still Christian conservatives so we’re not going to ever be okay with open, honest dialogue about sex. So that’s why decided to meet everyone half-way and talk about sex with our kids, but still couch it in ridiculously antiquated things like the pull-out method.”

Gov. John Kasich (R), who is currently running for president, has said he will sign the bill into law if it reaches his desk. This story will be updated as it develops.

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