Obama’s Communist Economic Assault Lowers Unemployment Below 5%

Published on

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans in both chambers are scrambling at the time of publication as the Labor Department report on jobs creation for the month of December 2015 showed 151,000 new jobs were created, bringing the unemployment number down to 4.9%, the lowest it has been since February of 2008.

“This communist in the White House knows no shame, he knows no decency,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters outside his Senate office this morning, “and he has attacked this economy of ours so vigorously that our unemployment numbers resemble the pre-crash days! How dare he batter our economy by helping it recover?”

Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) believes there is a conspiracy at play, and that it might tie into both Benghazi and Planned Parenthood. “Just where the hell are all our unemployed people going,” Gowdy asked reporters this morning. He told them he is “launching a full inquiry” because he believes “somehow, some way the Ghost of Saul Alinsky, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama have conspired to commit Benghazis all over the world, and Planned Parenthood is mixed-up in this too, I’m sure of it.” Gowdy said he’d “waste every taxpayer dollar out there” until he “gets the truth he wants.”

Some Republicans are so desperate to show the damaging effects of Obama’s communist restoration of America’s free-market economy, that they have started to question the use of the standard unemployment percentage that has been used for decades.

“Oh sure,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said in a statement from the Speaker’s dais, “we have tabulated this figure the same way for years, but now that it looks like Obama has actually guided us onto a path that at least took us back to where we were pre-crash, we need to call that figure into doubt.” Ryan said Americans should “look at the overall labor participation rate” and “ignore factors like retiring Baby Boomers, technological advances that make certain jobs obsolete, and the fact that Obamacare has given people flexibility to leave a job in search of another one more easily, and focus on the raw number only.” If they do that, he says, they’ll see “that Democrats suck at the economy, because we say so.”

When Obama took office in January of 2009, the country’s unemployment rate was 7% and spiked at 10% in December of that same year. The unemployment rate now is below 5% for the first time since nearly a full year before Obama was sworn-in. President Obama was unavailable for comment because, his secretary told us, he was “out back taking target practice at the Bill of Rights with his Sharia gun.”

Latest articles

If I Don’t Have a Biden Flag, Biden Shoes, or Biden Bible, Am I Really Voting for Biden?

PROF. McTERRY: And who won the election? JAMES: Well, I don't fuck my cousin, so I know...

I Asked a Klansman If He’s Voting For Biden Since They’re Both Democrats. He Punched Me.

"Man, it's really true what they say about Democrats. They're snowflakes." We all know a...

For Conservatives, Fart Naps Are Quickly Replacing Power Naps

"While some might casually observe the irony in someone who belittles his opponent as...

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...