After Obamacare Repeal Fails, Ted Cruz Says He’ll Have to Return to Killing ‘Zodiac Style Instead’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a prayer luncheon held at a church in the nation’s capital today, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) remarked to attendees about last week’s failed attempt to repeal Obamacare. Cruz and forty-seven other Republicans in the Senate voted for a “skinny repeal” of the landmark healthcare bill, but however were thwarted by three senators from their own party, and the prospects of a GOP repeal or replacement of the Affordable Care Act seem to be dimmer than ever.

“Friends, let me tell you, it was a real heart breaking moment for myself and the non-squishy Republicans who voted to keep our promise and rip healthcare away from millions of Americans,” Cruz told those gathered at the First Baptist Church of D.C., “You know, just like Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ would want us to do.”

Cruz said that he was “devastated and distraught” all weekend and could “barely finish” his six plates of bacon followed by six hours of target practice with an AR-15 each morning.

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“You just have no idea how sad you can be,” Cruz said, “until you come within just a couple votes of handing super rich people more money — again, as Christ himself told us to do — by taking away vital healthcare from millions of people. It’s just horrific. I was devastated and distraught Saturday and Sunday, and I could barely finish my six plates of bacon, or even go target shooting with my trusty semi-auto.”

The congregation let out an audible, “Awww” for Cruz.

“I know, right? It’s just so disgusting and sad that more people don’t understand what true Christian values are,” Cruz said with a hint of sadness in his voice, “and that’s namely a lack of compassion for the poor, sick, and elderly, with a full-blown worshiping of the rich. Remember when God said to have no false idols before Him, except for super rich people? It’s in the back, near the index.”

The congregation nodded, some of them a little confusedly.

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“Who knows how many thousands of Americans we might have killed by taking away their healthcare,” Cruz wondered, “and now we’ll never know. This country is changing folks, and it’s not changing in a good way if Socialist Kenyan Blacky McDemocrat Care survives another year.”

Cruz said that the failure of the GOP to repeal Obamacare has also had a “chilling and unnerving effect” on him personally.

“It’s so much easier to kill people with legislation,” Cruz explained, “but you know what? Thanks to three squishy, clearly un-Christian people on my own team, I have no other choice. I have to do this. I’m going to have to back to doing it Zodiac style instead.”

The congregation said, “Amen,” though some started looking at each other with puzzlement. Sensing that he might be losing them, Cruz quickly thanked them and asked them to consider donating to the Republican effort to keep control of both houses of Congress. As he left the church, he stopped to pose for a few pictures with members of the audience.

The White House did not comment on this story.

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