WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) has reportedly sent word to Senate Majority Mitch McConnell (R-KY) that he is willing to negotiate a deal in which the president would willingly sacrifice his Supreme Court nomination in exchange for the Second Amendment.
In what sources very close to the White House are telling the media Obama is calling a rarely invoked “Executive Swampsies Offer” with the Senate. When asked if that’s constitutional, one source replied that Obama’s estimation Republicans haven’t been too eager to follow the letter of the law on Supreme Court nominations right now anyway.
“The president feels this solution is just as mature and reasonable as the position that the Republicans are taking on his Supreme Court nomination,” one very close White House source told us, “and while he has no delusions that the bespectacled, semi-reptilian septuagenarian in charge of the Senate will take him up on this offer, he’s also got a little bit of Short Timers’ Syndrome and doesn’t mind needling McConnell a touch.”
Admitting that the normal amendment process would have to be “worked around,” one administration aide told us that Obama “is hoping to start negotiating asking for the whole Second Amendment, but would settle for Republicans agreeing to let him confiscate a quarter to half of the guns on the street.”
“We realize though,” the source told us, “that would leave America with only 150 to 200 million guns and that just is a number too small for liberty loving folks to come to grips with.”
Senator McConnell could not be reached for comment by the time of publication, but one aide close to him said that if Obama would “consider removing those pesky 13th, 14th, and 15th amendments” McConnell might be persuaded to alter the Second Amendment instead of deleting it.
“We Republicans hate the reconstruction acts because we’ve become the party of anti-federalist neo-confederates,” McConnell’s staffer told us, “and those amendments once and for all settled slavery and have forced us to be nicer and more inclusive to all kinds of minority groups we find offensive for no reason at all. If Obama would consider sweetening his end of the deal by letting us also take white-out — get it? — to the Reconstruction Acts, Senator McConnell would be much more inclined to strike this deal.”
Dr. Henrietta Jones, Professor of Constitutional Law at the American Law Institute told us that while this deal is “grossly unconstitutional and hyperbolic in its detachment from reality,” that we are “ultimately living in satirical times anyway, so whatever, man.”
President Obama has officially nominated D.C. Circuit Judge Merrick Garland to replace deceased Justice Antonin Scalia’s seat on the Supreme Court’s bench. McConnell and his fellow Senate Republicans have vowed to block Garland’s — and any other Obama nominee’s — confirmation and appointment, arguing that despite the fact the Constitution says nothing like this, that the next president should get to make the selection.
Roughly two dozen Republican Senate seats are up for re-election in November.