Obama Offers Republicans To Get Hillary Clinton Out Of The Election By Nominating Her For Scalia’s Seat

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to President Obama, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan are confirming at the time of publication that a closed-door, private meeting was held last night between the three men, and that Obama offered to “get Hillary out of [the Republicans’] hair.”

“President Obama has sensed a lot of turmoil in the Republican Party right now,” a White House staffer told us, “and he thinks he’s come up with a great plan to alleviate their stress and get them back to their hard work stopping progress in America.” According to the aide, Obama made an offer to Ryan and McConnell that both Republicans weren’t thrilled about, but that they’d take back to their colleagues anyway, in the interest of good will.

Obama reportedly told McConnell and Ryan he knew they “want to keep Hill-dawg away from the Executive really badly” and that his solution “may just do the trick.”

“Paul, Mitch, check it out,” Obama reportedly told them, “how about I just nominate her to the Supreme Court?” The room, aides say, got suddenly very quiet. One staffer said you could actually hear the hamster turning in the wheel in Ryan’s head, and the coal fire burning between McConnell’s ears as they thought about the proposal.

“But that means she’s still in our government, doesn’t it,” McConnell asked Obama first. Obama nodded and grinned.

“Yes,” the president said, “but she won’t be sitting here in eleven months, she’ll be sitting over there,” he reached out a finger and pointed in the general direction of the Supreme Court chambers. The two Republicans in the room were said to have sat there for a full twenty minutes, their hands on their chins, in deep contemplation.

“Do we get to still have our Benghazi hearings about her if she’s on the bench,” Ryan asked, a hopeful lilt in his voice. Obama laughed and shook his head in the negative. If they took this deal, he told them, they had to promise to only conduct witch hunts against the next president, and not Ms. Clinton. This was clearly something McConnell was not happy about. He threatened to walk out, but Ryan soothed him with Kentucky bourbon and by rubbing a lump of coal under the aging senator’s nose.

“I do apologize for my outburst, Mr. President,” McConnell told Obama, “I just have fallen so in love with attacking Hillary Clinton, the idea of not attacking Hillary Clinton frightens me. It scares the crap out of me, literally,” and he told Obama and Ryan he’d just defecated in his adult undergarments at the thought of no longer harassing Clinton by way of congressional hearing. “That may be a bridge too far,” McConnell said, “maybe we could put her on the bench, but you’d have to at least let us impeach her once!”

After some back and forth, the three agreed that if the GOP goes along with Obama’s proposal that they would be allowed one impeachment hearing for every five years Clinton was on the bench. They also agreed that Obama could change “In God We Trust” to “Praise Allah” on all five, ten, and the new eight dollar bill that was also a condition of the agreement. The Clinton campaign could not be reached for comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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