NRA Spokesman Reassures Public: San Bernardino Guns Are Safe and Unscathed

Published on

SAN BERNARDINO, CALIFORNIA — NRA sub-executive junior spokesman Cash Gachette is telling reporters at the time of publication that while he has no information on the status of any of the victims of the tragic shooting at a Regional Center in Southern California, he did have some “very good and relieving news” nonetheless.

“I am happy to report that all of them — they’re safe,” Gachette said, “the guns in San Bernardino I mean of course.” Gachette said that he had gotten “numerous worried and frantic calls” from NRA members all over the country asking him how the guns in the area were “holding up.” Mr. Gachette said the concern was “understandable because shooting incidents, particularly mass shooting incidents are highly stressful to guns.”

The NRA spokesman told reporters that his organization’s “thoughts and prayers go out to all the guns” in San Bernardino “but particularly” to those involved in the shooting. “May they be at peace knowing that they were used in their only truly intended way,” Gachette said, “and that we know for absolutely certain that nothing at all could have been done to prevent this, or any shooting incident. Especially not with the NRA making sure we give the protect the right of every human being no matter how dangerous to own a weapon capable of murdering any number of people in one incident.”

“Over the next few weeks and days,” Gachette told reporters as his brief press conference was wrapping up, “we’ll set up crowd funding to help make sure the number of guns in San Bernardino goes up, not down, in response to this expression of our Second Amendment rights.” Gachette insisted, “The last thing we want is for people to get the idea that something silly — like common sense reforms that make it harder for people to stockpile firearms and ammunition, as well as universal background checks are enacted. But,” he said as well, “we also want to make sure people don’t get scared about guns and stop buying them either.”

Latest articles

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

" wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...

Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

"...when I was researching Hunter's dick pics again last night, I noticed something I...

Because of DEI, My Black Friends Don’t Like My Confederate Flag Collection No More

The following editorial was written by right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Q. Bohiggins. The...

The Easter Bunny Plans to Give Plan-B and Contraceptives to Red State Teenagers

"Did you know there have already been thousands of rape pregnancies as a result...