NRA: Nation’s Guns Feeling ‘Confused and Upset’ Over Obama Executive Orders

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FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — The National Rifle Association held a press conference early Tuesday to discuss the impact that President Barack H. Obama’s executive orders on universal background checks for all gun purchases has had on the psyche and well-being of what their spokesman called “the most important beings in our country,” guns.

NRA sub-executive junior spokesman Cash Gachette told reporters that the guns he’s spoken to are feeling “confused and upset.” Mr. Gachette says that “guns are getting the distinct impression that some people don’t think they’re benevolent, inanimate objects” but instead are “tools created with the sole purpose of killing and shouldn’t be handed out like patriotic, red, white and blue candy.” Gachette and the rest of the NRA executives feel this is a “direct threat to peace, liberty, and more importantly gun manufacturer profits” and it “must be stopped at all costs.”

“Can we really say we have enough guns in the hands of Americans,” Gachette asked rhetorically, “if the 300 million or more guns that are already out there aren’t keeping us safe from the 300 million guns out there? Doesn’t that then mean logically that we need more guns to make us safe from the guns? Do we not need to set the whole neighborhood on fire to save the one house that’s burning?”

Gachette also said during the press conference that if Americans don’t start “embracing the truly patriotic notion of guns everywhere” the nation’s stockpile of firearms may “become so depressed they’ll start looking for other countries to make safer,” damaging our country even further. “What happens if 50 million guns just decide to leave this country,” Gachette asked in exasperation before answering himself, “that would leave barely 250 million guns! That would take at least six or seven mass shootings’ worth of ginned up paranoia and fear of confiscation after a mass shooting to replace.”


“The American people simply must decide,” Mr. Gachette told reporters, “if they are going to let a liberal president rob them of the ability to sell guns out of the back of their cars and over the Internet to anyone they damn well please, regardless of how silly and stupid a notion that is to anyone who doesn’t outright worship firearms.” Obama’s executive actions, Gachette said, “are a direct threat to the notion that we should treat guns like socks, turkey jerky, or light bulbs; you know harmless products that never accidentally wind-up in the hands of people who shouldn’t have them, resulting chaos and death.”

During the press conference, Gachette unveiled plans to build a facility where depressed and sad guns can go and rehabilitate. “The LaPierre Center for Gun Health will be the epitome of mental health care,” Gachette said, “and these guns, these poor, sad, picked upon firearms, will be given a chance to relax and reconnoiter with one another, so that they can get refreshed and get back out onto the streets, so they can probably, most likely keep us safe…as long as someone doesn’t steal them from us and use them against us or someone we love, of course.”

On average, roughly 100,000 Americans are shot every year.

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