North Carolina Catholic Republican Wants Religious Freedom to Perform Inquisitions

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PALMETTO SHORES, NORTH CAROLINA — 48 year old North Carolina resident Calvin Ryan is a self-described “right-wing libertarian” who has voted Republican his entire life. Ryan is also a lifelong, devout Catholic, and he is very happy that the governor in his state recently signed a bill into law that will heavily restrict where transgender people are allowed to use the restroom. The governor and state had a lawsuit brought against them this week, alleging the law unfairly discriminates against LGBT+ people.

“That’s just a load of hogwash,” Ryan told us, “this country was founded on religious freedom, and we should have the religious freedom to act in any way we see fit, break any law we want to as long as we cling to our crucifixes while doing so, and discriminate against anyone we choose to, as long as we do it in the name of Jesus Christ — a man who would cringe if he saw as acting this way, amen.”

Ryan said that not only does he support the bathroom bill, he also has written Governor Pat McCrory and Republican lawmakers in his state asking them to expand on the religious freedom bill and give him and fellow North Carolinian Catholics permission to bring back a “traditional rite of passage” in the church.

“I wrote them all a letter and told them to stop being cowards around libtards and give me the legal right to perform an Inquisition in the State of North Carolina,” Ryan told us via phone, “because in this country religious freedom trumps everything, even though it’s just one part of one amendment to one document that has over seven thousand words in it.”

Mr. Ryan said his inquisition wouldn’t be the same as similar religious-based torture programs for one key reason; he doesn’t plan to use physical violence to torture those he wants to extract confessions from.

“I have something far more torturous than the rack or waterboarding,” Ryan told us, “it’s called Sarah Palin. I’m going to force people to watch two minutes of Sarah Palin speaking. After three seconds I bet I have all the confessions I could hope for.”

Calvin informed us the confessions he’s seeking to obtain are whether or not someone is a liberal, and if they will be voting for Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders in the presidential election. He said he “understands completely” that a presidential vote is meant to be private. However, he said, according to his beliefs, the Constitution is written in a way that gives him, a religious person, “more freedoms than non-believer Americans.”

“I need to know how many people I live around that are libtarded libtards, you see,” Ryan told us, continuing, “and the only way to do that is to sit them down and force them to hear Sarah Palin’s shrill voice for a few minutes. No non-Republican can do that for more than a handful of seconds before retching and/or exploding in rage and/or putting a bullet in their brain.”

We asked Calvin what he’d think about a Muslim community somewhere in his state getting together and petitioning the governor to make their personal religious belief in Jihad against infidels. He scoffed and laughed.

“Umm, I’m a Constitutional Originalist, which means I only want people to view and interpret it as it was written in the late 18th century, before slavery was outlawed and women can vote. So to me,” Ryan said as he ended the interview, “Muslims don’t have the First Amendment rights we do, since the only Muslims here at the time were probably slaves, and they didn’t count back then. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my tri-corner hat is ready for pick-up from the dry cleaner’s.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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