Recently, Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) announced that her 17-year old son had impregnated someone, and she is now expecting to become a grandmother at the ripe old age of 36. Just hours after she made the announcement, Bobert filed a bill on the House floor that would defund Planned Parenthood, who regularly provides healthcare services to pregnant teens and other women in crisis. Planned Parenthood also provides contraceptives and sexual reproductive education services so your seventeen your old kid doesn’t knock up his high school sweetheart in the first place.
However, because a growing family is usually a chance for celebration, we decided to put aside the galling hypocrisy of a Christian preaching family values as the reason they don’t support transgender rights, or LGTBQ equality in general while proudly announcing her teenage son had made a baby with a teenage girl. Instead, here are seven cute and fun nicknames Lauren’s new grandbaby can call her, once it can talk, and given who its grandmother will be, it probably won’t ever shut up once it does.
- “Bobo” – Honestly, we could probably stop right here. “Bobo” would be a cute grandma nickname regardless, but considering it’s what people call Lauren to mock her clownishness and general lack of intelligence, it is the absolutely perfect nickname for her.
- “Idiot” – Okay, we promise we won’t just recycle seven nicknames other people already have for her, but wouldn’t it just be the height of adorableness if Lauren’s grandkid called her the same thing the rest of humanity calls her to her face, and what Donald Trump calls her after she leaves the room?
- “Shut the Fuck Up” – Goddamnit. This is another one that’s just what other people say to Lauren Boebert, isn’t it? Well, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
- “The Sarah Palin of Marjorie Taylor Greenes” – Admittedly, we’re asking a lot of a baby, to be able to say all that. But if Lauren’s grandbaby wants to be accurate or truthful — and given that it’ll be related to Lauren that is not a sure bet at all — then rightly describing her this way is on the table at least.
- “Why Did My Grandpa Show His Dick to Underage Girls at a Bowling Alley, Grandma?” – Okay, admittedly this is just a question, but technically since Mr. Boebert did show his dong to underage girls at a bowling alley, and it contains the word “Grandma” in it, this still counts.
- “Low IQ-Anon” – It plays on both her love of conspiracy theories, and her unabashed, proud ignorance. Another strong contender.
- “There’s No Fucking Way I’m Related to This Fuckwit” – Okay, you caught us. This also is not really a nickname as much as it’s a prediction of what her grandchild will say to her one day. Assumedly, so will her kids. Just not the idiots who vote for her, because, well, they’re idiots.