CLEVELAND, OHIO — Reporters watching the activities of the Republican National Committee as they prepare for their convention next week are saying they’ve spotted an unusual lip growth on Newt Gingrich. The former Speaker of the House and leading presidential oral sex scholar made headlines this week when he suggested that the U.S. government should administer tests to Muslims and deport them if they believe in Sharia Law.
“It was the weirdest thing,” Gingrich was overheard telling a confidante, “I suggested we should round people up based on their religion, give them a bunch of tests, and then kick them all out of they don’t answer the questions the way we want them to, and the next thing I know, I’ve got this little black mustache starting to grow under my nose.”
According to sources close to Gingrich, he will go to a doctor later today for a diagnosis.
“He doesn’t usually grow dark facial anymore,” one staffer said, “so we’re trying to figure out why all of a sudden this small, square, black mustache just popped onto his face. One minute, he has no mustache, then he suggests rounding up all the Muslims, and bang! He’s got a tiny little mustache growing all of a sudden.”
More sources have indicated that the mustache isn’t the only new physical development in Mr. Gingrich’s life.
“His right arm just will not stop spasming,” one source told us, “and every time it does, it just shoots up at a forty-five degree angle.”
Another physical change Gingrich has noticed is much more “personal and intimate,” staffers said. When standing at a urinal this morning, Gingrich let out an audible gasp, then showed his wife his crotch region. She confirmed that his penis had in fact become shriveled and disfigured.
“And I mean, more shriveled than normal, and much more mangled looking than usual,” Callista Gingrich reportedly told her husband.
All the new developments in his physical appearance and genitalia have Gingrich concerned, sources say. Gingrich spends hours each day, gazing at and fawning over his reflection. These new developments make him reluctant for that mirror time.
“I make one lousy comment about rounding up everyone of a certain religious group and administering a government-ordered test on them to determine if they should be kicked out or not, and all of a sudden I’ve got all this stuff happening to me,” Gingrich told staffers at lunch, “that seems like a liberal plot to me. Just because I act like a fascist and say fascist things, does that mean I should undergo a metamorphosis into one of the world’s most famous fascists? Sounds like some kind of satirical device to point out the chilling similarities in my rhetoric to the rhetoric of a certain guy in Germany. But, I’m sure you did NOT SEE that comparison coming, huh?”
This is a developing story.
