Bonté Falls, West Virginia — Researchers in West Virginia recently published the results of a study they conducted which they say proves Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) “thinks about butt sex more than people having butt sex think about butt sex.” Dr. Randall Samilost is a behavioral psychologist at the West Virginia Institute of Science of Technology and he says the results of their year-long study into the Republican candidate for president are “quite illuminating.”
According to Samilost, he and his team used highly sophisticated algorithms to track how much time Cruz spent in a 12-month period talking about gay people, defending discrimination against gay people, and writing laws that impact the LGBT community negatively, such as the two bills Cruz introduced this week — one for a constitutional amendment barring any legal action against state governments that ban same-sex marriage, and one barring the courts from adjudicating the matter until after Cruz’s amendment is ratified. Samilost says he and his team started listening carefully to Cruz’s rhetoric last spring, and they all felt “he must think a lot about gay people and gay sex in general, because it really seems to cut to his core,” said the doctor.
“I’m not suggesting that Cruz has some latent tendencies,” Dr. Samilost told our interviewer, “I’m just saying that he doesn’t seem to go more than a day or two without talking about gay people on some level. I mean, I’m not sure racist southerners in the 1940’s talked about black people as much as Cruz talks about gay people.” So Dr. Samilost did a comparative analysis of both on the record and off the record remarks and found that Ted Cruz thinks about anal sex and those engaged in it 85% more than people who actively participate in it do.
We asked Dr. Samilost what that might mean. “It might mean nothing. It might mean he’s dying to have his wife strap one on and go up the Old Dirt Road with him. Hell, it might mean that deep down he just wants to be loved and tolerated by the LGBT community because he is one of them but he has to play the part of the angry, evangelical Christian Republican. I don’t really know, “Dr. Samilost told us. “I just know that for a dude who is supposedly ‘not into’ ass sex, he sure does think about it something fierce.”
Senator Cruz’s office put us in touch with Republican State Representative Tom Thompaulsen to answer some questions we had about the study conducted by Dr. Samilost. “This is nothing more than a left-wing smear tactic from the Hollywood, liberal academic world,” Thompaulsen told us. “We don’t deny that Senator Cruz thinks about butt sex a lot,” the Republican said, “but that’s because he knows that good, clean, red-blooded, Christ-loving, ammo-hoarding patriots want him to think about butt sex so much he figures out a way to stop it…if two dudes are doing it. Obviously ass sex between a man and a woman is a gift from the One and Only True American God.”
“Senator Cruz just understands what is truly most important to average Americans,” Thompaulsen said, adding, “and with the economy picking up like it is, Ted has no choice but to start getting into the culture war stuff. What better way to show millions of Republican voters out there who the real champion of their right to use their religious beliefs to treat people like sub-human animals is,” asked Rep. Thompaulsen rhetorically. We asked Thompaulsen if he or Cruz would be okay with a Hindu, Muslim or even Atheist person writing and passing a law that makes Christians second class citizens, proclaiming their right to express their own religious views in the process, or if he feels that matters of religious import are such a can of worms, that’s specifically why the founders made sure that church and state would be legally separated entities.
“What Senator Cruz and I believe,” Thompaulsen answered, “is that tradition still means something in this country. And that yes, if that tradition is oppression in the name of God, it should be respected as part of the fabric that binds this nation together, you know, like Jim Crow and slavery. Traditions.”
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