NC Governor ‘Totes Surprised’ To Find Out Bigotry Has Consequences

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RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA — Governor Pat McCrory held a press conference early Friday morning announcing that he was “totes surprised” when he found out that the National Basketball Association had decided to remove its All-Star Game from North Carolina next year. The NBA announced in a statement that its concerns over the state’s anti-LGBT bathroom law caused them to decide to move the game.

Per CNN, the NBA said the following in a written statement, regarding the decision to move the game.

Since March, when North Carolina enacted HB2 and the issue of legal protections for the LGBT community in Charlotte became prominent, the NBA and the Charlotte Hornets have been working diligently to foster constructive dialogue and try to effect positive change (source)

“I guess I’m just totes surprised that in 2016 we can’t just write any discriminatory law we want,” McCrory told reporters, “I mean it’s not like we specifically have a constitutional amendment that says right in it we have to write laws that apply equally to all citizens, right?”

The governor reiterated some of the comments he’d made the day before when he said that “sports and entertainment elite, (N.C.) Attorney General Roy Cooper and the liberal media have for months misrepresented our laws and maligned the people of North Carolina simply because most people believe boys and girls should be able to use school bathrooms, locker rooms and showers without the opposite sex present.” At today’s press conference McCrory also lamented “the sad state of American values.”

“It used to be in this country that if anti-equality forces wanted to write a law that subjugated a minority class,” McCrory said, “all we had to do was pound our Bibles and conjure up mental images of bogey men under our beds. But now, all of a sudden, I get told that there are amendments beyond the Second, and that I have to obey them? What the ever loving shit is that?”

Gov. McCrory said that he is “upset and dismayed” that a private company made a free market business decision and that it didn’t favor conservative values. He said that as far as he was concerned, that meant the NBA must be “run by commies or something.”

“Um, seriously guys,” McCrory said at the presser, “I’m blown away that this mega corporation didn’t side with the Republicans. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work? We do everything we can to make their trampling of the working class easier, and then they do whatever the hell we want them to do, which is mostly just unloading cash into our campaign coffers.”

“I guess I just long for the days when being white and Christian was enough to get what you wanted no matter what,” McCrory said, “because we all agreed that while all are created equal, some are just more equal than others. Oh well, who knew bigotry in the 21st century had consequences…I mean, besides rational, sane, educated people?”

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