Nation Prepares to ‘Give a F**k’ About New New Hampshirite Political Opinions

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Obama, speaking from the Rose Garden while taking a break from one of his prayers to Allah and communicating with the ghost of Saul Alinsky, addressed reporters about the start of the United States’ traditional primary season that he himself successfully navigated twice before.

“Make no mistake,” Obama told the press, “when the country begins to turn on the TV, and wonder aloud, what those darn New Hampshirites are up to, you just have to marvel at what a beauty that Constitution of yours is.” Obama said he “swells with Communist pride” at the fact that he bested the Democratic challenge to be the party’s nominee both in 2008 and 2012 because “when they’re on to you as a secret Islamic communist socialist who will force Sharia Law on you, it’s an uphill battle from the start.”

President Obama said he “remember[s] with great fondness” the first time that he found himself “in the curious of position of caring what people who live in New Hampshire think about anything,” much less whether he should be president. ” He said the one thing he’ll miss most about not running in any elections after leaving the White House is “pretending to care what people in states that were far more relevant nearly a century ago.” Obama also said that he prefers to pretend to care about what New Hampshirites think of him more than Iowans because “Iowans have such a chip on the shoulder attitude they’ve never been without, that they recall” so they never seem to like him anyway.

Hundreds of miles away in the actual State of New Hampshire, Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton told reporters she’s “been programmed to feign interest in a bevy of subjects New Hampshire residents care about.” Former Secretary of State Clinton said her “pleasure algorithm” was written in such a way for her to “show normal human expressions of delight” whenever someone from New Hampshire talks to her about any subject during the month of January. She also made sure to tell us that she checked with Bernie Sanders and he’d be saying roughly the same things about the New Hampshire primaries, and a brief but emotionally charged conversation with Sanders would prove her prediction correct.

“You know, when God told me and me alone to run for president,” Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) told a crowd in Havenstock, New Hampshire over the weekend, “he knew he was commanding the person who loves your great state the most to be your supreme Christian caliph and leader — excuse me — duly elected president.” Senator Cruz pronounced New Hampshire “the state that would go down in history as having handed the world its one true savior — Senator Ted Cruz the guy from a country with socialized medicine and much tighter gun control laws than we have.”

The Republican front runner, billionaire mogul and reality-TV icon Donald J. Trump only made a long, loud fart noise with his tongue when asked why he was campaigning in Wyoming this week, and not New Hampshire. “I have all the votes I need, everywhere I go,” Trump told reporters, “so I’m not going to campaign in New Hampshire, no. I plan to campaign only in the states whose primaries literally no one cares about, not even people in their states. So I’m starting with Wyoming.” He described his chances as “yooger than yooge” that he’ll win the New Hampshire primary despite his seeming indifference to the primaries in general, and New Hampshire’s specifically.

Asked for comment, Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) told the media that he was “too busy pouting over not being invited to the main stage at the next debate” to answer any questions, but that he’d be “dry humping a copy of the Articles of Confederation while that Libertarian with boobies girl looks on” later this week instead. Paul said he has “high hopes that people will see [his] stunts as presidential and not what frat boys do in YouTube videos only their friends like and share.”

With less than a year left until the election, currently Hillary Clinton and Donald J. Trump lead the Democratic and Republican fields respectively, though both races have tightened up recently.

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