NASCAR Assures Fans They’ll See Confederate Flag Before Every Final Lap

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DAYTONA BEACH, FLORIDA — Yesterday, NASCAR announced that it was banning the display of the confederate flag at all its events. In a written statement, NASCAR announced that the “confederate flag at NASCAR events runs contrary” to their “commitment to providing a welcoming and inclusive environment.”

NASCAR’s official announcement on Facebook, seen below.

The decision to ban the confederate flag was likely spurred-on, at least in part, by weeks of sustained civil unrest and protest about police brutality against people of color, specifically African American suspects. Many argue that the criminal justice system is inherently and systematically racist in nature, and after four Minneapolis police officers were caught on tape killing an unarmed black suspect, a tinder box of protest was ignited, and while some of the protests have seen looting and rioting, the fact remains that millions of Americans have joined in solidarity with the protests of use of excessive force.

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Perhaps unsurprisingly, NASCAR has endured some criticism from some of its fanbase, who accuse the racing league of bowing to pressure from advocacy groups. Claiming the flag represents southern heritage and not hate, despite it being a flag associated with a confederacy that broke off from the United States to preserve the slave trade, some fans have threatened a boycott of all NASCAR events and functions. In a move meant to quell some of the backlash, NASCAR issued a follow-up statement today.

“NASCAR has a rich tradition of celebrating the history and culture of all Americans,” NASCAR said in its new statement, “which is why we temporarily banned the confederate flag altogether, as it represents treason, and traitors to the United States of America. We thought there could be some uproar over this decision, but we didn’t anticipate quite so many snowflakes melting because we banned a racist rag that literally stands for the opposite of the U.S.”

NASCAR decided, they announced, to “encourage a spirit of compromise,” and have decided to keep the confederate flag in place during a pivotal moment in every one of its races.

“In an effort to appease some of our fans, and to salve their truly wounded rectums,” NASCAR announced, “today we assure the American public we will still fly the confederate flag as the final lap gets underway, at every single race we hold in the upcoming season.”

As the leading driver heads into the final lap of every race, traditionally a white flag is waved over the field. Because a white flag “was the last confederate flag ever officially used in war time,” NASCAR says some of their fans might be able to “take some solace in seeing a confederate flag at a race again.” However, already the move is being met with some skepticism.

Jethro Bohiggins, a right-wing podcaster and YouTuber, started an activist group called “Racist Race-ists for the Status Quo.” Bohiggins says that he and his group will still boycott every NASCAR race “from here on out” unless they completely rescind the ban on the confederate flag. Jethro told his podcast audience this afternoon that he’s “personally filed a lawsuit against NASCAR” for infringing on “good, clean, ammo hoarding, white, Christian American patriots'” right to free speech.

“I’m sorry fam, but it ain’t enough to show us the last flag our Great Confederacy flew,” Jethro howled. “What are they gonna do, stop me from coming in if I ain’t got my shirt on? Because I got no less than six different tattoos featuring the stars ‘n’ bars, and I am sorry, I already had my first wife’s name lasered off, I ain’t havin’ any other tats taken off. Which reminds me, I’ve got to call my cousin and found out where my next alimony check that owes me is.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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