Of Course I Believe a Billionaire Wants to Protect My Freedom of Speech. I’m a Fucking Moron.

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What’s all this fuss about Elon Musk’s hostile takeover attempt of Twitter?

By now, don’t we plebs understand that rich, white men are absolutely entitled to take with hostility anything they so desire? So what if Elon’s family got rich on the back of apartheid? So what if the man hasn’t really done anything himself other than use his family’s wealth and the massive head start it gave him to buy actually innovative companies and then take credit for their successes?

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Sure, maybe Elon behaves like a bargain basement, dime-a-dozen, generic-as-shit cartoon villain. Sure, he accuses others of being pedophiles simply for constructively criticizing his designs. But that doesn’t make him a bad guy, does it? That doesn’t mean he’d do what extremely wealthy people have done forever and try to use a media outlet first and foremost for his own personal gain and ego stroking, does it?

I mean, clearly the guy who thinks The Babylon Bee is the height of satire is the kind of guy who values deeply intellectual, philosophical debates. Why wouldn’t a billionaire buy a supremely important media outlet so that he could make it a totally free and fair marketplace of ideas? What, just because history is replete with examples of rich fucks like Musk using their money and influence to buy powerful media publishers to control their own narratives, you want me to believe Elon is one of them?

I’m sorry, but if there’s one thing we know about Elon Musk it’s that he’s a benevolent defender of free speech, and he’s definitely not a self-enriching asshole who would do things like pump up the value of a canine-inspired cryptocurrency he also owns, only to turn around and sell it, leaving all the plebs who he convinced to buy with him holding the bag.

Oh, so you say he did exactly that? Screw you. That’s my response.

I trust Elon Musk just like I trust every billionaire. When have billionaires ever steered us wrong, or done anything remotely corrupt? When has a billionaire ever tried to heavily influence public opinion by buying a media company, anyway?

If you ask me, people freaking out about Elon Musk buying Twitter are hysterical for no reason. Billionaires are probably the most trustworthy people on the planet, because they can afford to pay anyone they want to call them trustworthy. I’m about 90% certain Elon shits ice cream, too, though that’s just a personal aside more than anything.

Yes, I believe a billionaire wants to protect free speech and is no way gaming stock markets to make himself richer. Granted, I voted for a fake billionaire twice and I stormed the capitol after he lost but told me won. And, in all fairness, I am a medically-certified moron, and a card carrying-fuckwit, but still, I think I’ve made some very valid points here, and I’m going to reflect on what a good job I did while I eat these paint chips, dipped in arsenic.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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