Ummmmmmmmmmmm. What the actual, literal, perpetual fuck is going on over at Twitter? Elon Musk’s offer to buy it was accepted more than a day ago, and my old account, which was banned under the previous Leftist Woketopian Twitter Regime, has yet to be reactivated!

If @AmericasFirstReichPatriot doesn’t get reinstated by the end of the week, I’m afraid that I won’t hold out much hope that Musk will be able to change Twitter enough. I have to question, quite frankly, if we still live in America, because if a private company can’t be forced to host my fifty year old N-word jokes, ivermectin rants, or transphobic Babylon Bee article reshares, we sure as shit don’t live in any country I recognize as America anymore.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m of course grateful to RocketShip Daddy for trying to buy Twitter to restore free speech and get a shitload of free Tesla advertising attached to every tweet. But, it shouldn’t have ever come to this. Because when God King Emperor Trump was in office, his advisers should have told him he needed to nationalize Twitter. For the people.

@jamboschlarmbo

Fantasize about taking a dump in Ted Cruz’s mouth? Protect yourself first! #tedcruz #rectaguard #polititok #politicalsatire

♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

I would argue, and have argued ever since @AmericasFirstReichPatriot got banned, that we have a constitutional right to a Twitter account. What good is free market capitalism if you can’t use the power of the government to tell a company what they can or can’t publish on their own website? Seems to me like the very best use of our government’s time and resources.

But, well, that didn’t happen. So, we’re left to live in a world where Elon Musk had to buy Twitter to get free speech back onto it. As soon as his bid was accepted, I started going back through all my memes with various leftist commentators’ heads in an oven (if they have a last name that makes me think they’re of a certain RELIGIOUS background, if you know what I mean), and other troll materials I collected over the years and share on my Facebook page all the time. In other words, I was ready for when Musk would personally flip the switch and unban @AmericasFirstReichPatriot.

But it still hasn’t happened! I’m still suspended on that account. I don’t know what gives, but Elon better intervene personally on my behalf. Otherwise, what was the point of opening all those sock accounts and telling him how much I love him in every one of his tweets?

I look forward to the day when Twitter once more recognizes my hate speech has just as much revenue potential as someone else’s free speech.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on TikTok, Patreon, Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.