“It’s probably as sad a feeling as you get realizing that for all the power you now hold, you still can’t find the clit, or convince more than 20% of your kids to love you.”
From time to time, we like to step away from reporting the fake news, and dole out a little bit of friendly advice. This is one of those times, and we’re about to give some advice to the most powerful man in the free world; a president the likes of which has quite literally never been seen. We’re going to give some advice to Elon Musk now, but feel free to keep reading along, if you think you might get something out of it, too.
So, Elon, you bought the presidency, but still can’t afford a personality that isn’t cancer. That’s tough. It’s completely expected, but still, quite tough. For you. It’s probably as sad a feeling as you get realizing that for all the power you now hold, you still can’t find the clit, or convince more than 20% of your kids to love you.
But let’s not focus on what a pathetic loser you are, despite being the richest man on the planet. Let’s not solely put our attention on the fact that for all your money and access to power, you’re still a piece of shit nobody likes who spends millions of dollars on gender affirming care while posting flagrantly transphobic garbage. Let’s put all that aside, and come up with a couple of ways you can cope with being the shadow president that no actual human being worth caring about likes or wants to be around, shall we?
Step 1: Acceptance
Look man, you’re going to have to accept that a lot of people don’t like you. Like, more people than do actually like you. Maybe in a generation or two, when you’ve successfully gutted the federal government and we have millions more ignorant, brainwashed Americans out there, things will be different. But for now, the simple math is that between Harris voters, those who voted for someone other than the main parties’ candidates, and people who sat out to protest both, the overwhelming majority of Americans didn’t want you, or your rapey senile friend, in the Oval Office.
Step 2: Strap Yourself to a SpaceX Rocket and Blast Off to Mars
Maybe cut your losses? Sure, you might be intoxicated on a healthy cocktail of ketamine and oligarchy now, but history shows that fascists tend to meet less-than-favorable ends once the people they’re oppressing wrest control back. So, perhaps you could kill two birds with one stone, head to Mars, and show us both how brave you are, and also how you’re looking for out-of-the-box ways to give Americans what they really want…which is you as far away from us as humanly possible.
Burn 20 more minutes with us.
