Mueller Grand Jury Issues Subpoena For All Pussies Trump Grabbed Since June 2016

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — While most of the rest of the country has been consumed with watching the devastation and destruction of Hurricane Harvey unfold in the Gulf Coast region, special counsel Robert Mueller has been quietly working away on his investigations into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. Though news from the investigations has been slower to come these days, some key developments have taken place. Mueller began working with the New York Attorney General, essentially cutting off President Trump’s ability to pardon anyone, including former campaign manager Paul Manafort, who is charged with breaking New York state law, as opposed to federal law, which Trump could issue pardons for.

There have also been several subpoenas issued by Mueller’s team for documents relating to Manafort. These subpoenas, analysts speculate, could indicate the direction Mueller’s investigation is taking. Some of said it appears that Mueller is building at the very least a case against Manafort and is using financial records to build it. However, this morning, it was announced that Mr. Mueller has issued another set of subpoenas, and this time, they pertain directly to President Trump.

“This morning, we issued subpoenas were issued to the president, as well as any and all pussies he grabbed between June 2016 and the present day,” Helga Richardson, assistant to Mr. Mueller’s assistant announced at a press conference this morning.

RELATED: Trump Wants Assurances His Subpoeana’s Bigger Than Obama’s Subpoeanas

It was during the final stages of last year’s extremely closely contested presidential election that news broke of a moment recorded during a taping of a segment for “Access Hollywood” in which then-candidate Trump could be heard bragging about how he treats women. The recording, from 2005, features Trump telling Billy Bush — who is in fact related to the Bush family that has twice occupied the White House — about his sexual advances toward women, and that he “gets away with” certain behaviors because of his fame and wealth.

“I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.” – Candidate Donald Trump, “Access Hollywood” Tape (source)

Trump and his surrogates famously dismissed the tape as nothing more than “locker room talk” between two adult men. Bush, however, did not characterize the tape in the same way. Some may not understand why Mueller would need to subpoena pussies grabbed by the future and sitting president, however Richardson explained it at the press conference.

“Frankly, given President Trump’s behavior,” Richardson said, “we cannot be reasonably confident about any of the pussy details. We cannot know if it was domestic pussy he was grabbing, or if, say, a certain foreign adversary who was hacking our election systems to try and help him win was furnishing the pussy to be grabbed. Obviously this is very vital to our understanding of the ins and outs of the campaign and its potential dealings with, you know, certain hostile foreign governments.

Richardson says that while bringing in the New York attorney general is “vital” to ensure that Trump can’t just pardon people out of their responsibility for any crimes committed, the investigation needs as much evidence and testimony from witnesses as they can get. Speaking to the pussies that Trump may have grabbed during the campaign last year may provide key insights, Richardson says.

“We have to paint a very clear picture, one way or the other,” Richardson explained, “and one way we can glean key details is by speaking with and to the pussies Mr. Trump may have grabbed during the time period our investigation is focusing on.”

RELATED: Trump Asks Congress ‘For a Friend’ If People Can Rage Tweet From Federal Prison

Ms. Richardson made it clear that more subpoenas should be expected by the American public.

“Trump’s going to be holding so much subpoena he’ll feel like he’s in a Turkish bath house before the AIDS epidemic,” Richardson said, “Because we might be the crazy ones, we admit, but we kind of look at this whole thing like we’re trying to figure out of the United States’ electoral integrity has been completely shot to shit. I know, fuck us for caring.”

The White House did respond to requests for comment.

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