Mitch McConnell Named Oncology Magazine’s ‘Cancer of the Millennium’

Published on

Throughout his lengthy career in politics, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-Moscow) has won a few awards, mostly from right-of-center think tanks and conservative institutions. This week, McConnell racked up one more trophy, this time from the world’s only magazine devoted to doctors specializing in treating cancer.

In the newest edition of Oncology Magazine, McConnell is given the award for “Cancer of Millennium.” The prize was voted on via a series of online polls conducted by the magazine. The polls were structured like NCAA basketball tournament brackets, pitting one form of cancer against each other. When it was all said and done, Sen. McConnell beat out Dick Cancer in the final round, and was given the title.

DNA Test Proves Lahren and McEnany Came From Same Sewage Plant as Coulter and Ingraham

“It’s pretty incredible, remarkable really, the kinds of cancers that Mitch overtook,” Oncology Magazine’s Editor-in-Chief, Sally Burns told us in an exclusive interview about the award. “In a way, you can say that Mitch is the King of Cancers. I mean, the guy beat out lung cancer for goodness sakes! LUNG CANCER!”

Readers ultimately chose McConnell, who is known officially in the oncology field as “Kentuckian Democratic Carcinoma,” because he, according to his description in the American Journals of Medical Shit, “poses a threat to the democratic system of American self-governance in place since the adoption and ratification of the Constitution.” McConnell’s continued defense of former President Donald Trump’s failed insurrection, and support for Republican states restricting access to the polls makes him a particularly pernicious cancer.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not surprised that Mitch placed so high. He’s as cancerous as they come,” Ms. Burns said. “It’s just that, well, he beat out so many other forms of cancer. Though, as I sit and think about it out loud, of course he did. There are cancers who would be devastated to be diagnosed with in operable form of Mitch McConnell.”

Gaetz Volunteers to House Any Unaccompanied 17-Year-Old Girls Found at the Border

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Betrayal? RFK’s Brain Worms Just Endorsed Donald Trump

"Much like how an Evangelical Christian can read the Bible and not know anything...

Every Former President Ranked from Least to Most Felony Convictions

Our regular readers will likely recall that part of our mission statement here --...

When Will Biden Call Off His War on Rapey Conmen Coup Conspirators?

The following editorial was written by Jethro Bohiggins -- a pro-MAGA singer/songwriter and podcast...

The RNC Will Officially Change Its Platform to Be Very, Very, Very, Very Soft on Crime

" need to do what happens to my TOTALLY NORMAL AND ABOVE-AVERAGE LENGTH PEEN...