Missouri Dems Propose Classifying Erections That Precede Abortions as Accessories to Murder

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TRAPPEDIN, MISSOURI — Democrats in the Missouri State legislature have proposed a new law that is meant to be a legislative response to the strict abortion ban signed into law days ago. As proposed by the Dems, SB1469 would charge any man who has an erection that leads to sexual activity that leads to a pregnancy that leads to an abortion with “accessory to murder.”

“The Democrats in the state legislature of Missouri believe that the law signed is a direct violation of the constitutional rights of every woman to have a safe, legal abortion,” Rep. Sheila Schultz (D) told reporters at a press conference, “but if we’re going to live in a state with people who think that life begins at conception, we feel we should be going all the way, as it were, and make getting a boner that leads to an abortion an accessory to murder.”

Missouri’s abortion law is one of the harshest anti-abortion bills to be written in the last several decades. It bans abortion after the 8-week mark. While other recent laws have set the demarcation point at six weeks, many women still are not aware they are pregnant by the eighth week. Many, Schultz included, feel the law is unconstitutional and will only cost the state millions of dollars in legal fees defending it.

“The way we see it,” Schultz told reporters, “the abortion ban is written in such a way that you could bring Mother Nature up on charges since a huge number of pregnancies self-abort — or miscarry even after the 20-week mark. The fetus is really not medically viable until the 23 or 24 week mark anyway. So we have to wonder if Republicans here in Missouri will be setting aside tax revenue to start a new law enforcement agency, specifically tasked with determining if miscarriages in the state are worthy of prosecution.”

Ms. Schultz said that her bill isn’t designed to criminalize all erections, just those that could potentially lead to abortions because she said “clearly Republicans think somehow punishing women in this state will make our economy grow and will fix every problem facing us today.” She said that sometimes you just have to “join them to beat them” and that she hopes men in the state will “think about the roles their boners play in a woman needing an abortion.”

Reached for comment, Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R), said that he was “pleased” to see Democrats in the state “coming around to see things the right way.”

“We applaud the Democrats for copping to their BABY KILLER ways,” Thompaulsen said, “and we hope they’ll consider helping us pass a new bill we’ve cooked up that will make it a felony to have sex in the state outside of heterosexual wedlock for the expressed purpose of making babies happen. Only through legislating personal sexual morality can we fix the myriad of problems in our society that have nothing to do with personal sexual morality.”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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