Angstlich’s Pass, Mississippi — Pastor Joe Donaldson has been leading his congregation at First Southern Baptist Church in Angstlich’s Pass, a small town two hours from Jacksonville, Mississippi. Pastor Donaldson recently held a prayer breakfast and rally on the steps of his small town’s City Hall, in defense of what Donaldson calls “traditional, biblically-defined marriage.” The 54-year-old son of pastor himself, Donaldson says he “hears God’s weeping” as the nation seemingly moves closer and closer to legalizing gay marriage nationwide. The United States Supreme Court is set to begin hearing oral arguments this week in a handful of cases that could strike down permanently state laws banning same-sex marriages.
“Here in Angstlich’s Pass, we are preparing for the worst,” Donaldson told The Political Garbage Chute in an interview recently. “We’re bracing for the nightmare of adults loving adults!” Donaldson said that he “firmly” believes that “within fifteen days of the Supreme Court ruling in favor of gay marriage, the heavens will open up, the Rapture will begin, and all Hell on Earth will be unleashed” and that he “hope[s] the impatient gays are happy with bringing about the End Times over their desire to not be persecuted by my religious beliefs.”
“It’s very clearly a slippery slope between gay marriage and no-rules in society whatsoever,” Donaldson told us. “Look at Massachusetts. They legalized gay marriage in 2004, and then guess what happened almost immediately after? The Boston Marathon Bombing. It was like, one day gay marriage happened, and then instantaneously plus nine years, the bombing happened. If you tell me that’s not the hand of God instructing us on the evils of sodomy, I don’t know what is,” the pastor said.
Donaldson also pointed to things like California’s drought as God’s punishment for that state’s same-sex marriage ban being overturned. “We all know that the one, true, Christian-American God is most concerned about butt sex, and not our country’s obsession with making enemies to later bomb the living hell out of,” Rev. Donaldson said at one point, “so the rabid, pro-gay left better stop and think about whether they want God’s wrath brought down upon them for daring to insist that we actually walk the walk of ‘love thy neighbor’ instead of just talking the talk.”
“I ask you, why on Earth should we change the definition of marriage from what the bible says it is,” Donaldson asked our reporter. “While we’re on the subject, what’s up with no dowry being exchanged anymore? And we really should think about getting back to the days when you could rape a woman as long as you knew if you did you had to marry her; that’s in the Bible too and you notice what happened on 9/11? Do you really think that had nothing to do with ignoring God’s rules about marrying the woman you rape?”
Pastor Donaldson also took the opportunity of our interview to bemoan the dearth of stonings in modern America. “All I’m saying is that I am not surprised that in a country where we’re not allowed to stone adulterers, homosexuals and thieves to death in the streets without a trial, can we really be surprised that our school test scores are so low and our bridges and roads have so many potholes,” asked Donaldson. “The Bible is very clear. The Lord helps those that help themselves by harming others over feeling icky about ass play.”
“You can call me a religious nut if you want,” Donaldson told us, “but am I really a religious nut if I simply think my faith in something that can’t be proven gives me the right to keep two adults from openly and publicly devoting their lives to one another?” Rev. Donaldson said he fears “parents will be forced to answer their kids questions about why their friend has two daddies, and they might have to actually confront their own nonsensical caring about what happens between two people behind closed doors.” Donaldson insists “an America where we can’t oppress people for things they can’t control and that don’t actually cause any harm to anyone ever, we don’t live in America anymore.”
Before hanging up the phone, Donaldson summarized his feelings on gay marriage for us. “The bottom line is really simple here. Gay marriage will bring about a desire to have more compassion and being loving of LGBT people. And if there’s anything the God who sent his only begotten son with a message of agape — universal — love for all mankind would hate more than anything…it’s loving your fellow man with compassion.”
