Mike Pence Plans to Leave D.C. and Move In Next Door to Trump’s Ass

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — While most Americans have been keeping a close eye on outgoing President Donald Trump as he struggles to cope with losing last month’s election and what to do next, there’s another very powerful man who will leave his elected office next month, and will need to start making plans for what happens starting January 20th, 2021 at 12:01 PM.

Today, Vice President Pence, who shares the less than 40 days that are left in the Trump administration with his boss, announced that he and his wife, Mother, have decided where they are moving, once they are forced to vacate the vice presidential residence in the nation’s capital.

MORE: TIME Magazine Names Trump ‘Sore Loser Crybaby Bitch of the Year’

“Mother and I are quite pleased to announce that we’ve found a place right next to President Trump’s ample, courageous, and bold buttocks,” Pence announced to reporters outside the White House after a lunch with the president, “and I plan to keep on doing for that great, pussy grabbing patriot what I did for him lo these last four glorious years — sit quietly and wait to be told when, where, why, and how hard to kiss his ass, balls, peenween, and taint.”

Pence and his wife discussed a slew of options when determining where their futures would take them.

“We really wanted to explore all our options. There were so many places we wanted to go and things we wanted to do,” Pence divulged. “Everything from starting a church for hot, sweaty men to come and get baptized together in a shower, to opening a conversion therapy center to help all those wayward, confused, gorgeous, well-hung men find God’s path for their sexuality.”

Ultimately, Pence decided the country needed him to “stick to the president like a tight shirt on a Chippendale’s dancer.”

“For the last four years, the president and I have developed a special bond, and neither of us want to lose it,” Pence said. “It got to the point where we were finishing each other’s sentences, and I’d know that his testicles needed moisture and fondling before even he did. It will be my honor to continue serving this womanizing, doddering, amoral warrior of God’s great vision for America now, and until he draws his last wheezing, gravy spattered breath on this Earth.”

MORE: While Biden Is Sworn In, Donald Trump Wants Air Force One Packed With Supporters He’ll Fly to Guyana

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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