WASHINGTON, D.C. — High Priest Reverend Pastor Vice President Mike Pence is like any other person in the world, despite being the third most powerful man in the world behind President Donald Trump and Actual President Vladimir Putin. Father Pence puts his pants on one leg at a time, and he makes sure to get three square meals a day. Like everyone, when the calendar turns over a new year, it even takes Vice President Pence’s brain a little bit of time to process the change.
“Mother, I keep forgetting what year it is when I’m writing the checks,” Pence was recently overheard telling his wife Karen over the holiday vacation. “I know what year it is, but I keep putting the wrong gosh-darned, doohickie -hecking year in there instead! What a silly goose I am! Aren’t I such a silly goose, Mother? I feel like I just can’t remember what in tarnation what golly-gosh dang year it is! Sorry for using such salty language, but I’m so gallderned flustered right now, I could spit!”
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Pence has reportedly already had to tear up several checks he sent to various recipients.
“I’ve had to re-write my checks to Operation Rescue, the 700 Club, and Grindr, WHICH I AM ONLY A MEMBER OF FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES, MOTHER,” Pence was heard telling his wife. “Golly gosh doohickie darn heck that really cheeses me off! Don’t get me wrong! I love wasting paper, because global warming is a Chinese hoax, and God would have told us if it were real in the Bible. But I just get so stinking T.O.’d at myself for making basic mistakes like this, Mother!”
Apparently, it’s not just checks that are giving the vice president a case of short term amnesia.
“And would you lookie here? I can’t believe I did this,” Pence said, handing a stack of documents to his wife. “That’s all the social policy initiatives I’ve come up with for the coming year, and on every single page, I’ve gotten the wrong year on all of them too! Mind you, I wish we would have adopted the abortion ban in 1820. I wish to all gosh dang heck we’d passed the No Homo Act of 1820, but I keep fouling up the year on these proposals, and if I hand them to the president like this, he’ll mock me and give me a wedgie!”
Taking the policy papers from her husband, Karen Pence scanned them before handing them back.
“So just go into your word processing program and fix them, Mike,” Ms. Pence suggested. “If they’re wrong, just fix them.”
A pause. A beat. Vice President Pence stopped and scratched his chin, thoughtfully.
“Well, that’s the thing, I guess,” Pence said. “They’re not wrong. I do think social policies that are more in-line with 1817 would be good for the country, and as it turns out, all my social policy goals are right out of the 19th century. So there you go.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
