Mike Pence Will Certify Biden’s Win, But Not Take Trump’s Dong Out of His Mouth First

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — This might the toughest spot Mike Pence has found himself in since he “accidentally” stumbled upon a late-night broadcast of the film “Magic Mike XXL,” but according to several sources he’s worked out a sort of internal compromise with himself.

The Constitution says that his duty today, as the sitting Vice President, is to simply open envelopes, declare how many Electoral College votes and from which state are in the envelope, and ultimately declare Joe Biden as the next President of the United States of America. That puts Pence in quite an awkward bind, given that he’s spent four years doing everything he could to commit repeated acts of public servility to Trump. There have been fewer more devoted and sycophantic politicians in Trump’s corner these past four years than Pence, and he’s been asked with essentially putting the final nail in the coffin that will bury Trump’s political career.

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“The Vice President knows he has a loyalty to the president that for some reason he has to set aside when he’s fulfilling his duty to the Constitution,” a source in the VP office told us today, “but last night he had a breakthrough and figured out a workaround; a way that he can certify Biden’s win, but never hide his undying loyalty to Donald Trump as he did.”

According to our source, Pence plans on certifying the 306 Electoral College votes for Biden, but he will not remove Trump’s dong from his mouth during the joint session of Congress in which he’ll do so.

“Vice President Pence has spent almost half a decade lovingly, forcefully, and performatively jam all or part of President Donald Trump’s dong in his mouth,” our source explained, “and you can’t quit authoritarian dick cold turkey; that much is plain fact.”

Sen. Ted Cruz, who joined with roughly a dozen of his Senate Republicans and over 140 House Republicans to object to the vote certification, called Pence’s decision “breathtaking in its courage.”

“I think it shows enormous guts, and is quite breathtaking in its courage,” Cruz told reporters. “It’s going to be very difficult for him to count and keep the president’s genitals in his mouth, but that’s the kind of brave sacrifice High Priest Michael Pence has been willing to make for our Dear President time and time again.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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