NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Sources inside Fox News reported to various outlets this morning that outgoing host Megyn Kelly has been getting showered with praise and farewell gifts by her many colleagues at the network.
Tucker Carlson reportedly gifted Kelly with a bow tie that has the words to the Confederate Constitution’s preamble sewn in on the inside. Eric Bolling got her an exact replica of the bowl of pudding that they were sharing when they realized it was actually more intelligent than Bolling himself. Perhaps the most intriguing and noteworthy gift that Kelly was offered, however, was from none other than Bill O’Reilly, who told Megyn he’d give her a “goodbye grope in honor of Roger Ailes.”
“C’mon Megs,” O’Reilly reportedly told Kelly according to multiple sources, “it’ll be just like old times again!”
Kelly apparently rebuffed O’Reilly’s gesture politely, telling Mr. O’Reilly that she wasn’t interested in the “old times anymore” and that the “old times are partially why [she] is leaving” Fox News. O’Reilly, undaunted, tried a different tack.
“Megyn, baby doll,” the O’Reilly Factor host tried, “don’t be like that. It’s the 90’s. I’m hip. I’m with it.”
O’Reilly was met with a simple reply.
“It’s 2017, Bill, and again, thanks but no thanks,” Kelly told him. Sources say she was growing impatient, but remained professional the whole time. O’Reilly still didn’t seem willing to take Megyn’s “no” for an answer, and tried yet another line of attack.
For twenty solid minutes Bill O’Reilly tried to convince Megyn Kelly to let him grope her. He tried cooing. He tried dropping a pencil in front of her and asking Kelly to pick it up. When none of his advances worked, sources say he became a little angry, but never exploded in white hot rage like various internet clips have shown him to be capable of.
“I’m sorry Bill,” Megyn said, “the answer is now, and will always be no. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed our time here, mutually playing up the War on Christmas like it’s real, and I really enjoyed reminding viewers whenever possible that black victims of police brutality were often no saints themselves. But letting you put your hands on me? Sorry, Bill. Not anymore. I just can’t do it anymore. I have integrity, no matter who my boss has been for over a decade.”
Bill O’Reilly blinked. He shrugged.
“Okay, no worries Megyn,” O’Reilly said, adding, “But it’s time for your exit interview now. You’ll be conducting yours with our new head of HR, Dr. William H. Cosby. Hey, hey, hey, Dr. Cosby, she’s allllll yours!”
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