WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new federal bill setting minimum standards for elections is now being debated in the Senate, and the man whose career has been nothing but a series of partisan power grabs has lashed out at Democrats who support the voting bill, calling it a “partisan power grab.”

“Now, my friends on the other side of the aisle don’t want to hear this about their new voting rights bill,” Sen. Mitch McConnell (Q-KY) told reporters as he left a hearing held by the Senate rules committee today, “but this bill is nothing more than a partisan political grab. This isn’t like when I used to the filibuster relentlessly during that melanin-haver’s terms! This is, like, way more different-er!”

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When asked by a reporter if he was being a hypocrite, given how McConnell specifically changed Senate rules to ram through hundreds of Trump judges onto federal benches, as just one single example of his willingness to play partisan politics. Sen. McConnell laughed uproariously and rubbed a piece of coal on his crotch. Wiping away tears of joy, McConnell dismissed the question.

“Well, you might call me a hypocrite, but I’d just say that my experience makes me uniquely qualified to see partisan political grabs,” McConnell responded. “Sure, I made up rules that didn’t exist so that Blacky McDemocratface couldn’t pick a Supreme Court justice that the Constitution itself said he was entitled to. Sure, that was a partisan political grab, and sure that could make me a hypocrite if we lived in a world where dictionaries with definitions exist.”

McConnell rubbed his chin, leaving a streak of coal across it.

“Wait…now, I’ve forgotten what I was gonna say here so,” McConnell drifted off. “I’m just going to stare balefully into the camera lens while I frown and wag my finger. Then I’ll remind you that Democrats are jerks, want you to get gay married to an abortion doctor, and literally work for Satan. Okay, see you all later.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.