McConnell, Graham, Cruz Take Oath to Stop Blowing Trump Long Enough to Hear Impeachment Case Without Bias

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the U.S. Senate, the official impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump will begin in earnest in just a matter of hours. After a delay of about a month, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi authorized the two articles of impeachment against Trump to be delivered to the Senate, where it is expected that the slim Republican majority in the upper chamber all but assures Trump of an acquittal. No matter how the trial ends up going, however, the stain of impeachment on Trump’s administration will never wash clean, and he will forever be the third man, and first Republican, to be officially impeached for high crimes and misdemeanors while the sitting President of the United States.

Much attention has been placed on the Republican Senators who, along with their Democratic counterparts, will serve as jurors in the impeachment trial. The United States Constitution gives the House of Representatives the sole power to begin impeachment proceedings, but the mechanism by which presidents are adjudicated on those impeachment charges, however, rests in the hands of the Senate. Several prominent Republican senators — including Majority Leader Mitch McConnell — raised eyebrows when they gave media interviews indicating their openness to coordinating with the White House during the trial, bringing up questions of whether they can serve as honest, unbiased jurors. Those concerns were compounded when senators like Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, Rand Paul of Kentucky, and Ted Cruz of Texas all made it abundantly clear they’ve already acquitted Trump in their own minds.

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This morning, with the trial set to kick off tomorrow, McConnell, Graham, and Cruz held a special event in the Senate chamber, and took an additional oath, which they later explained to the press was meant to assuage any fears that they are incapable of being impartial jurors during the impeachment trial, as the Constitution’s oath requires. All three men took the oath administered by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts last week, however McConnell explained that they felt they needed to “go the extra mile” and take one further oath.

“We hereby solemnly swear to take President’s Trump’s miniscule, mostly flaccid, mangled dong out of our mouths long enough to render an impartial verdict in his impeachment trial,” the three men swore, their right hands on a Bible, and their left hands on a copy of Trump’s autobiography. “We swear to let the president finish before we hear any evidence in his impeachment trial. We hereby pledge and promise to put a pin in blowing him long enough to hear evidence in his impeachment trial.”

Just moments after taking the pledge, all three men were seen leaving the Senate, and agreed to answer a few questions from reporters.

“We really do need to make this quick, though,” McConnell said, “the president is expecting us back at the White House to take care of some…unfinished business we have with him.”

Cruz spoke up.

“Yes, and the president hates to go unfinished. If there’s one thing I’ve learned these last few years,” Cruz said, “it’s always let Donald Trump finish.”

Graham completely agreed with Senator Cruz.

“I completely agree with Senator Cruz,” Graham confirmed. “You just simply do not leave President Trump until he finishes. When Ivanka gave me this advice back in January of 2017, I had no idea how much it was completely on the mark. But as I’ve learned after working with the president for the last couple of years, he expects you to help him finish anything you start. Anything. I mean anything.”

Leader McConnell advised Americans that while he, Cruz, and Graham had just taken a pledge to be impartial, that pledge “does not and will not supersede” a previous pledge they made together.

“The simple fact is that we all swore a blood oath to something far more important than just one person,” McConnell insisted, “we swore an allegiance to the Republican Party. It’s not our fault that the Republican Party we joined is now dead what’s left of its corpse belongs to Donald Trump. There was no clause in our loyalty oath to the GOP that we get to abandon it if a white collar criminal and unrepentant lying ass bag seizes control of it. These things are out of our hands, you see.”

Cruz assured reporters he took the oath with Graham and McConnell because he understands how important it is for the impeachment trial to be “held in an unbiased manner.”

“We understand it’s very important to be impartial and unbiased jurors,” Cruz explained, “so that’s why we are choosing to stop blowing Trump while the evidence is presented and the cases are being made. If you ask me, I think we deserve some kind of medal for this. Some kind of prize, you know? We’re the real heroes here, I think history will show.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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