WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republicans are having a really hard time coping with Donald Trump’s loss to Joe Biden. In a recent survey conducted by The Washington Post, less than 25 Republican congressional representatives would acknowledge that Biden defeated Trump. For the last month, the outgoing president and his supporters have waged war on reality, claiming without any actual proof that Trump is the victim of a vast conspiracy to steal votes from him and/or give more illegal votes to Biden.

Many have criticized Republicans for continuing to placate Trump and cater to his anti-democratic whims. Even in the Senate, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has still not referred to Biden as the “president-elect,” and keeps using rhetoric that implies a vague chance that Trump could still be the president after January 20th, 2021. This morning, McConnell was spotted at a local diner, having breakfast and rubbing a piece of coal on his penis underneath the table, as his species of tortoise is apt to do in their later stages of life.

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McConnell was asked about why he and his fellow Republicans are having such a hard time accepting that Trump lost, and instead seem to be trying to overturn the results of the election, disenfranchising millions.

“Well, first of all, Republicans disenfranchising millions is only news to you if you’re a white Republican,” McConnell answered. “Secondly, and I think this is very important and germane to the discussion, every administration is entitled to attempting a post-election coup.”

McConnell told the reporters that “not many people know” about a special provision in the Constitution that lets sitting presidents ignore elections. However, McConnell also said that Americans worried about Trump doing such a thing should “have some peace of mind” in knowing that “it only counts if the president’s feelings are extra-special hurt.”

“Granted, President Trump sure is acting like he’ll never get over this, and that would mean his feelings really do hurt quite badly,” McConnell admitted, “so, I guess, yeah. Democracy’s over, if Trump wants it. Sucks to be everyone else, I guess. Oh well. If you’ll excuse me, I have a breakfast to finish and a lump of coal to rub on my cock.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.