McConnell Promises to Hold Impeachment Trial in Moscow

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said today that “in the interest of fairness and logic” he’s going to file a change of venue request and hold the impeachment trial of President Donald J. Trump in Moscow, Russia.

While the two articles of impeachment adopted by the House Judiciary Committee along party lines, they have not been put to a vote before the full House of Representatives. Most expect the Democratically controlled House to pass the articles, with perhaps some more “moderate” Democrats choosing not to vote to impeach, in order to bolster their chances in next year’s elections if they happen to represent Trump districts. Earlier this morning, McConnell told Fox News the Republican-led Senate will coordinate its efforts with the White House, despite each Senator ostensibly being given the constitutional duty to be a juror in the trial.

“There will be no difference between the president’s position and our position as to how to handle this,” McConnell told right wing host Sean Hannity on Fox News Thursday night. (NY Daily News)

Later in the day, Senator McConnell was spotted coming back from his lunch break. After explaining to reporters that he was sweaty and out of breath because it’s on his lunch breaks that he likes to lube up and fuck a chunk of coal with old racist Confederate songs blaring on his car radio, McConnell announced his proposed change of venue.

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“I intend to file the necessary paperwork to move any Senate impeachment trial from our nation’s capital to Moscow,” McConnell explained. “My reasoning for this is quite simple. A president should be impeached in the country he works to serve most. If we had ever been able to impeach that nig – excuse me, URBAN – president we had before Trump, I’d have insisted we hold his trial in Hell, because as everyone knows he literally works for Satan.”

While he fully intends to hold the impeachment trial in Moscow, McConnell is unsure about a few other changes that he’s currently mulling over.

“We’re still debating whether or not to hold the proceedings in English or Russian, so that it’s easier for our bosses to follow along,” McConnell divulged, wiping coal dust off the crotch of his suit trousers. “But in the interest of fairness and logic, frankly it just has to be done in Russia.”

Reportedly, the White House is quite supportive of McConnell’s decision to move the trial to Russia. In a statement to the press, White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham hailed McConnell as a “true comrade of the белый дом.” The president, while awaiting a helicopter ride to his D.C. area golf resort for lunch at the clubhouse with is First Lady, agreed to shout at reporters for a few minutes while he paced around the White House lawn, and was asked about McConnell’s proposed venue change.

“I gotta make this quick, because Ivanka’s already waiting for me at the clubhouse, but hell yes I back that! That’s, really, if you think about it, a genius move. And if anyone knows what’s genius, it’s me, the stablest of geniuses,” Trump said. “I’m frankly really excited at the idea of taking a trip back to Moscow. Haven’t been in awhile, and there are some very lovely urinary working girls I’d like to pop in on. Plus, I’m wondering if Vlad can do my annual performance while I’m there and kill two birds with one, um, rock or whatever.”

McConnell does have a few things he needs to “look into and verify” before he fully commits to moving the impeachment trial to Moscow, he said.

“I want to make sure I can still cash the checks the NRA sends me while I’m over there. I figure it won’t be a problem, because the NRA gets its rubles from Russia anyway,” McConnell announced, “but just to be on the safe side, I’ve put in a call to Vlad to make sure there are decent check cashing places in town where we Republicans can take care of our business.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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