Massive Crowd Greets Man Who Has Absolutely No Chance of Winning Presidency

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MADISON, WISCONSIN — While it is undeniable fact that unless one sits on the Electoral College in their state, there is no direct way to vote for a candidate for president. It is also been proven conclusively — by members of the Republican Party and the major media outlets covering the election — that Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT), has absolutely no chance of winning next year, no matter how popular his message is, and no matter what size the crowds are that show up to his events. As a case in point, this week Sanders drew the biggest crowd of the young election season in Madison, Wisconsin where over 10,000 people packed a gymnasium to hear the gray-haired politician deliver a rousing speech on the state of the nation, and where Sanders would like to point the country, should the absolutely impossible happen and he actually wins.

“I came here to see Bernie Speak,” Sally Jessups, a 46 year old homemaker,  told The Political Garbage Chute, “but of course I know from what the media and Republicans have told me that he’s far too extreme to be electable. And after hearing his message, I can see why they say that. He just would not stop talking about making the middle class stronger by not kowtowing to the super rich! What kind of American politician is he, an honest one or something,” Jessups asked rhetorically.

William Iacono, a 52 year old pipe fitter from the northern area of Wisconsin told reporters after he attended the rally that “it’s too bad he’s already been declared a loser by the media and his opponents” because Freedman “really liked what he was saying, about how the rich are doing just fine and it’s time to focus on rebuilding the middle class that actually drives the economy and helps pay for both the social safety net and the upward income redistribution that the rich have come to depend on.” Frenchman said that he’d “most definitely vote for Bernie” in the primary and that despite “[knowing] at least ten other friends who said they’d vote for him too,” he knows that Bernie will ultimately lose because the media has already declared it so.

“At first glance,” Matthew Palimborno, a political commentator for The Nebraska Times Gazette who has been covering politics in America for 40 years told us, “Sanders seems to be building momentum. He has huge crowds showing up to his rallies. His social media page is really blowing up, with his memes getting shared in quite a viral way. He’s clearly moving the needle with conservatives because they’ve gone from ignoring and condescending to him to attacking his character and calling his ideas ‘wild-eyed’ and ‘extreme.’ So in a very traditional sense, you’d think we were witnessing a grassroots movement with a candidate that initially was quite the underdog, but is now rising quite quickly…but we don’t. He’ll lose. So sayeth me, the media member guy,” Palimborno said.

“Oh he’s got big crowds,” Donald Trump said in a radio interview conducted later that day, “so did I. Of course, I had to hire my crowds, and other Republicans have been doing the same thing. So yeah, his excitement is more genuine. But, he’s still going to lose, because I’m Donald Trump and I know everything about everything. You’re fired!”

One member of the media does actually think Sanders has a chance to win, but only “if he becomes more like Hillary.” Neville Darden, political analyst and MSNBC contributor believes that “Bernie’s almost there, he really is. But he lacks that certain, Hillary-ness that the Democratic Party is looking for. Don’t get me wrong,” Darden told us, “I love everything about Bernie. His message. His ideas. It’s just that Hillary is going to say them in such a much better way, and she’ll say them in such a way that when she rolls over for the same big corporate interests she was bashing in the rhetoric she’s surely going to crib from Bernie, we’ll forgive her because we’ll just be so glad a ‘Not a Republican’ won.”

“Bernie Sanders is an unabashed, truth-telling, populist politician,” Republican operative Chet Palumbo told The Political Garbage Chute. “Of course he has no chance,” Palumbo insisted. “Just like the first black president had no chance. Just like Truman had no chance against Dewey. Just like that young upstart Catholic had no chance against the amazing Richard Nixon. So clearly what I’m saying is that if by some miracle Bernie wins, it’ll be because the American people are dumb and not because they actually want to vote for a guy who tells them that the rich are well enough taken care of as it is.”

Current polling shows Senator Sanders is still trailing Pre-Declared Winner Hillary Clinton for the Democratic Party’s nomination by a large but continually shrinking margin.

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