Look, you’ll have to look far and wide for someone who loves Halloween more than I love it. Of all the holidays we celebrate here, Halloween is one of my most favorite! I love the opportunity to become someone completely different for just one night each year, thanks to fun costumes and makeup. And yes, while we are on the subject, I will admit that sometimes I like to make a political statement with my costume, as is my right.
That being said, though, I write today to implore you — stop asking me if I’m going as freshman Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene for Halloween, because I am not, and nor will I ever dress as that psycho.
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I’m just a horse, dude.
I get it a lot, so I’m used to being mistaken for her. Don’t get me wrong, as much as it pains me to be mistaken for an insane, psychotic domestic terrorist, I understand why it happens. Quite frankly, I don’t know whether it’s better for her to be called a “horse face” than it would be for me to get called a “Marjorie Taylor Greene face,” but I do wish the tables were turned, and the shoe was on the other cloven foot, from time to time.
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Aside from the fact that Greene is a morally repugnant, racist, idiotic sack of shit, there’s a another reason I would never dress as her for Halloween. There are too many little ponies that come to my stable every year, looking for their trick or treat candy. I would frighten away even the bravest among them if they knocked, and my barn doors swung open, revealing me in a Crossfit t-shirt and holding a Monster energy drink, fake crack pipe in the other hoof.
All I’m asking, all any of we Equine Americans can ask, is that you stop and think before you ask us if we’re going as Marjorie Taylor Greene for Halloween. Stop and think about how there are millions of regular-ass horses like me out there, trying to live our best lives. Not every horse faced cave troll is Marjorie Taylor Greene, okay? Please try to remember that before you traumatize us.
Thank you.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
