NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Economists at the National Institute of Cash Money released the results of a study they conducted during the first three months that recreational marijuana was legal in the state of California and based on that study, they predict fast food burger chain In ‘N’ Out will have “more money than God” by the year 2028.
“In ‘N’ Out was already considered one of the most popular burger restaurants in existence,” Henrietta Duboeuf of the ENICM told reporters this morning as she announced the results of the study. “Now that people can smoke a fatty and then get a Double Double Animal Style delivered to their door thanks with Door Dash or Grub Hub or Quick Food For Your Mouth Hole? The sky is the limit as far as what they can make.”
The venerable burger purveyor has long been a Southern California staple, and in recent years has started to put locations in surrounding states. Remarkably, the chain still is not publicly listed, but remains a privately held corporation.
“They start their employees two bucks an hour over the California minimum,” Duboeuf told the media. “Their store managers rake in about $160,000 annually. So we knew going into the study that as a company, they were already pretty much printing their own money. Once prospective customers were given the ability to hoob a doob before hitting them up, the potential for exploding revenues started increasing exponentially.”
The economic and social policy stars seem to really be lining up for the chain that gave us the catchphrase, “That’s what a hamburger’s all about,” Ms. Duboeuf says.
“Imagine owning one of the most famous and profitable burger joints in a state where you can give yourself a raging case of the Munchies legally,” Duboeuf said. “That’s the position that In ‘N’ Out finds themselves in.”
It was a tough call between “more money than God” and “more money than Bill Gates,” Ms. Duboeuf says.
“Let’s face it, we all know God has a shit ton of money, but we’re not sure where he is in relation to Gates,” Duboeuf explained. “But suffice to say, those In-N-Out emeffers are gonna be straight rollin’ in it, vato.”
The impending success of In ‘N’ Out is a harbinger of even more good news for the state, Duboeuf says.
“Sure, In ‘N’ Out will profit bigly, but just about every restaurant and liquor store that sells chips and beef jerky will too,” Duboeuf said. “All that extra revenue means more taxes for the state to bring in, which means improved roads and schools. It seems to us one way to inject a lot of capital into your state’s economy would be to legalize a currently contraband substance that the science shows is literally safer than booze or cigarettes and build a good, well-regulated market around it.”
Ms. Duboeuf paused.
“Or you could just, you know, keep pretending a plant is scarier than crack, sure,” Duboeuf admitted. “That’s an option too, I guess.”
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
