CHAKRA FALLS, IDAHO — Before her appearance on the first televised Democratic primary debate stage a couple of weeks ago, it’s likely that most Americans had absolutely no idea that author Marianne Williamson was running for president. They might not have known she was a Democrat, and voters probably didn’t even know who Ms. Williamson is. She’s not, exactly, a household name. Yet, after the debate, no one could be blamed for coming away from the debate with the understanding that Ms. Williamson is, unlike many of the politicians who run for president, a soft-spoken, well-tempered candidate.
That perception, though, might change once more people find out what Williamson said the morning after her debate performance. At a campaign stop in Idaho today, Ms. Williamson told reporters she doesn’t “mind at all” that people see her as a “kind and warm light” among the others running for president. However, Williamson also made it abundantly clear that she’s not afraid to go toe to toe with President Trump, either.
“Of course I hope to bring a warm light of love to this process. I want to project the clean, wholesome, pure energy that I feel inside my heart at all times,” Williamson said, “but make no mistake, I will ram these aura crystals right up Donald Trump’s puckered asshole!”
Williamson dug into her purse and pulled out several large crystals of various shapes and colors.
“All of these, here, in my hand, they cleanse your auras. They also realign your inner eye and help you achieve karmic balance,” Williamson said, “and they all hurt like a motherfucker when I stuff them deep inside your cornhole. Which I am more than willing to do to Donald Trump. I may be into love and all that hippy-dippy bullshit, but he’s putting little babies in cages and not even letting them brush their damn teeth. If anyone deserved an aura crystal up their poop chute, it’s that trust fund racist sack of ass.”
There are other “implements and tools of voodoo and woo” that Williamson said she has at her disposal too.
“I can ram this divining rod right up his Hershey Highway,” Williamson told reporters, “and if I wrap this sage stick with duct tape and thumb tacks, it’d make a pretty painful thing to put up his butt, huh?”
Buy this shirt from our exclusive store!
A reporter asked Ms. Williamson why she has to use the president’s rectum as the receiving orifice for her items. Williamson said it’s a “matter of simple chi.”
“We all know chi is controlled via the butthole muscles,” Williamson said, “so, uh, fuckin’ duh guys.”
The Secret Service reportedly has been made aware of Williamson’s comments, but issued a statement saying they would not pursue the matter further.
“Anyone who spends more than five minutes with the president knows if there’s anyone who needs an aura cleansing, it’s him,” Secret Service Spokesman Matt Chisleby told reporters, “and Ms. Williamson has told us that her aura crystals are non-lethal when inserted rectally, so as far as the Secret Service is concerned, we’re good to go.”
The White House did not comment on this developing story.
Something More: Bar Employee Who Spat On Eric Trump Currently Leads 2020 Polls
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
