Marco Rubio Daydreams About Every American’s Sex Lives

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STONEY MEADOW, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) took a break from his presidential primary campaign in New Hampshire this morning to “pause and reflect on every American’s sex life.”

“I just like to take time in each day,” Rubio told reporters, “to devote to deep contemplation about all the sucking and fucking going on in these great United States of America. As any good, clean, American, patriotic, Christian politician would do, I am concentrating my cognition into the who, what, where, when, why, and how of the sexual activities of all Americans.”

Rubio said that when he recently told Chuck Todd on NBC’s “Meet the Press” that he’d “appoint Supreme Court justices that will interpret the Constitution as originally constructed,” that was a “prime example” of his contemplation of Americans’ sex lives.

“As a Republican, I want small government,” Rubio said, “because I know that government is evil if Republicans aren’t running it. But more importantly, I know that government can’t fit inside your pee-hole unless it’s really, really, really small.” After a pause, he said, “I want government to be that small.”

Senator Rubio said that his interview after the ABC Republican primary debate with George Stephanopoulos in which he told the “This Week” anchor that he is pro-life and doesn’t believe in rape exceptions that too was an example of his meditation on Americans’ “humping habits,” as he put it.

“It would be my Constitutionally-prescribed duty to protect every sperm, every egg,” Rubio said, “throughout the land from both abortion, but also from being born into an LGBT home. Because nothing says family values like breaking up families.”

Rubio said that he started “daydreaming about who is and isn’t fucking” back in college, but that since becoming a U.S. Senator, he had “stepped it up quite a bit.”

“Sometimes, I’ll be talking to someone about something totally unrelated to people having sex,” Rubio said, “and I have to stop them mid-sentence and go sit down on my thinking pillow, close my eyes, and try to picture every single penis, vagina, anus, mouth and armpit engaged in sexual congress in the United States of America. I ask American God for guidance. How do I force my sexual morality on them, Lord? Help me, oh Lord, to devote my precious and finite time here on Earth trying to vilify people for who they like to make out with and rub themselves all over.”

Ultimately, Rubio says, he sometimes has to resort to what he calls “alternative ways” of meditating on Americans’ sex lives — pornography.

“Sometimes if I have a hard time getting started, you know, thinking about America’s sexual morality,” Rubio said, “I’ll just go to the Internet and surf over the, and after about ten minutes, I am more than inspired to spend the next two or three days only thinking about the sexuality of every man, woman, child, dog, cat, or inanimate object in this great country of ours.”

Senator Rubio finished third in the Iowa caucus, and until his disastrous debate performance over the weekend, many thought he had a legitimate chance to win the New Hampshire primary today.


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