GOOSE COUNTY, IOWA — Jack Borzini is a 40 year old man who says he has a lot of problems in his life. He has a bad back, a bad knee, hasn’t had sexual contact with a woman in almost two years, and he suffers from horrendous bouts of irritable bowel syndrome which keep in a state of constant panic over defecating in his own pants.
“Life just kinda sucks, to be totally honest with you,” Jack told us. “I don’t blame anyone else for my life choices, by the way, either. I know that I have said and done things in my life that have led to me live a pretty solitary, boring, meaningless existence.”
Jack has gotten to used to the lack of happiness in his life so much that he told us it was newsworthy when he suddenly, if but for a brief moment, all of his problems seemed to vanish.
“I’m sitting there the other night on my couch, just playing some Minecraft like I usually do,” Jack said to us, “when I remembered I had some leftover peanut butter cups from Easter that my friend from work gave me. So I decided to eat some while I played.”
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Before popping a single peanut butter cup into his mouth, however, Jack partook of some marijuana. Even though cannabis is illegal in his state, Jack “knows a guy who knows a guy” who lives in Colorado and regularly brings some contraband pot to the Buckeye State, which he shares with Jack. Mr. Borzini said that within minutes of smoking the pot, he was eating peanut butter cups and playing Minecraft.
“About four hours into it,” Jack told us, “I looked down at my lap and saw six peanut butter cup wrappers. I honestly didn’t even know I’d eaten all those peanut butter cups.”
Something occurred to Jack then, he says.
“I realized I had been sitting there, just playing and eating peanut butter cups. The whole time I didn’t worry about my health, my finances, my personal life, any of it. It’s like for four glorious hours all my problems just…disappeared. Completely.”
As great as Jack says he felt in that moment, it too was as fleeting as anything he’d enjoyed in his life.
“I went to bed feeling pretty good about it all,” Jack said. “When I woke up though, it was still my life in my body with my bank account that I was living. So, it kind of is back to sucking now. At least I know if I want to have it go away for a little bit, I can…or…I don’t know. Whatever.”
James‘ satire is also found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post
