Senator Coalfarts McFuckface Doesn’t Want Infrastructure Plan to Pay for Clean Air or Water

Published on

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats on the Hill all seem to know the stakes.

Time is running out before next year’s mid-terms, and if the scores of breathless op-eds written on the subject are to be believed, they could lose control of both chambers of Congress. This means that passing President Joe Biden’s aggressively progressive agenda — a massive infrastructure investment and a restored, more robust Voting Rights Act — soon, has to become a priority if the Dems hope to go back to the voters with legislative accomplishments to tout. Over the course of the first year of the Biden administration’s tenure, however, it’s become clear that two Democratic Senators are unwilling and unable to be team players, and both have stalled the momentum their party carried into this year, having squarely defeated Don Trump and the Republicans in 2020.

Boebert Demands to Know Why FDA Still Hasn’t Approved Bleach Injection Booster

In particular, these so-called “moderate” Democrats have raised doubts about the price tag of Biden’s agenda. The cost of the proposals aside, however, Democratic Senator Coalfarts McFuckface of West Virginia, is also stalwartly against the president’s infrastructure plan being used to tackle the issue of climate change. McFuckface is one of the wealthiest men in congress, and literally made most of his money in the coal industry.

Speaking to reporters this morning, Sen. McFuckface explained his stance, and attempted to show some “subtle nuances” to his arguments.

“Listen, I’ve tried really, really hard to be sympathetic to what those dirt poor folks who elected me need to survive,” McFuckface tried to explain, “but nobody has really convinced me that clean air and water are NECESSITIES to live, you know what I mean?”

Farting pure coal dust, Sen. McFuckface continued.

“It’s, like, okay, I get it, technically if we don’t do something about climate change, and if we don’t at the bare minimum pick off the low-hanging fruit, things will get worse. Oceans will rise. Air quality will drop to the point that people are dying of lung cancer before they turn 30. However, despite all that, I’m left with one, burning question. Why the fuck should I care about any of that?”

McFuckface blasted his fellow Democrats for “putting the health and safety of Americans of all generations” over the balance in his families’ bank accounts.

“Don’t my great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren deserve to be billionaires, and to rule for all time over whatever is left of the human grist at the bottom of the food chain? Is that not the America we live in any longer? Because if it’s not, then what was the point of me helping to keep coal companies afloat all these years? What was the point of making myself even richer, while the environment got dirtier and dirtier, guys?”

Greene Vows to ‘Never Rest’ Until She Finds Who Dropped a House On Her Sister’s Head

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


 

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Jesus Told Me Only “Fascist Incel Dorks” Don’t Like Separation of Church and State

"We told them to pay Caesar what's due to Caesar for a reason. Me-stianity...

Once I Learned to Read, I Realized The Left Actually Can and Does Meme

The following editorial was written by right-wing commentator and Trump White House official Dustin...

God Told Me Oklahoma Kids Will Be ‘Stupid as Fuck’ After the Bible is Taught in Schools

"...do they really think it covers me in glory to have a bunch of...

Someone Accidentally Sent Me a Copy of The Biden/Trump Debate Questions

Don't ask me how it happened, but it would appear that someone at CNN...