The following is an editorial opinion piece written by Dick Whistler, a local man who has all sorts of political opinions that he feels should also be your political opinions. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Whistler do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of the management, staff, or owner of this publication. 

Has your state held its primary or caucus yet? Do you live in Iowa, where for some reason we still give a shit about who you want to be president more than we care about literally any other state out of the fifty that make up this nation? Do you live in one of the seventeen billion states, give or take seventeen billion minus fourteen, that voted on Super Tuesday? If you have voted already, let me ask you something, if you don’t mind. Who did you vote for?

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Let me make this clear: You voted for the wrong person, you fucking idiot.

You may ask yourself how I know I this. It’s simple. You didn’t ask me who to vote for first, which means you robbed yourself of the chance to vote for who I tell you to vote for. Why would anyone do that to themselves? Why would anyone in their right mind deny themselves the chance to do my specific bidding and vote exactly the way I know they should. 

“But doesn’t my opinion count when it comes to vote,” you may ask.

Shut the fuck up. If I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you. We’ve already established by way of knowing you didn’t ask me who to vote for before you voted that your judgment is suspect at best. So, no, in this election, and really in every election, the stakes are too high for us all to let you vote the way your conscious says you should. Frankly, that sounds like the talk of someone who should be stripped of their right to vote and thrown in jail, if you ask me, which you didn’t, but only one of us being paid to write this opinion piece, so there’s that.

…

Apparently, I’m told by my representation that this is not a paid gig. Which I wish they would have told me before I burned nearly 400 words on a spec piece. I bet a bunch of people who voted like you just did run this media outlet. I bet they probably hate toast and the American flag, too. I bet they’re jelly doughnut eating sonsofbitches, frankly, and if I had my way, they’d have to provide proof of who they voted for and submit for fanny spankings as punishment, but apparently I haven’t been elected to any offices where I get to decide punishments for people, so whatever.

Look, you might have good intentions. You might have, in your mind, solid reasoning and rational thoughts behind your decision. I can assure you — you don’t. Not really, anyway. Again, this is all very simple once you accept the premise that you not getting my input first, and then piling onto that mistake by not voting for who I wanted you to vote for is literally a sin against humanity and worse, the political party, then you start to see why you’re such a big piece of shit. And make mistake, who you voted for makes you a piece of shit.

Why would you even want to vote for someone like that? Be warned, any reasoning or rationale you give me for your vote won’t be good enough to persuade me that you’re not a fucking idiot, but you’re welcome to try. If I were you, though, I’d just save my breath and admit what a fucking idiot I am, which you so very clearly are.

Let’s just hope for your sake that your candidate doesn’t win. Because boy, if they do, we’re all fucked. And I will personally blame you, just so you know, for anything bad that happens afterward. I mean anything, by the way. Even on my deathbed, if I fart and I feel like blaming it on you with my dying breath, that’s what I’m going to do. Because, again, you fucked up and voted for that person like the titanic fucking idiot you are.

Well, I’m not wasting any more energy on a gig that isn’t paying me, and I’m sure that my tone and choice of words have sufficiently convinced you to do better next time, so I’ll just close with this:

Fuck you for your exercising your franchise in a way that I don’t like and would not do myself.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.