BALLCRUST VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — It’s a time in his life Jack Strohkinoff will never forget.
“Up to that point, I was known as the guy who never lost a damn thing. Not my keys. Not the TV remote. Nothing,” Strohkinoff told us during a Skype interview last week. “That day, though, something was just wrong. I still can’t explain it. All I know is that right before lunch, I went to go take a piss, and my dick was gone!”
On December 12th, 1968, Strohkinoff says he lost his penis. In the ensuing years since, he’s had several surgeries, and something that has the form and general function of a penis has been given to him by his doctors. However, Strohkinoff told us that he’s telling everyone this story now because he feels it’s the “right time to come clean” about what eventually happened to his penis.
As surprising as it was to lose his penis, though, finding it again was far more of a shock.
“I was watching Crossfire, the old political debate show on CNN, and all of a sudden, I saw someone make the same kind of smug, sarcastic grin that my dick used to make. You know, back when I had the dick I was born with,” Strohkinoff explained with high emotion. “When I saw Tucker Carlson make that face, though, I…I just knew. I knew he was my dick. Or at least, he had been my dick.”
Despite his strong feeling that Fox News host and Nazi Magazine’s Stormtrooper for 2020, Tucker Carlson, is in fact just his penis, but grown into a full-blown adult male human, Strohkinoff says it took him several years to confirm his suspicions. In order to prove definitively that Tucker is his old penis, Strohkinoff would need some of the frozen food heir’s DNA. Luckily, Strohkinoff knew exactly where to find some.
“I have a buddy who runs in some pretty high-up, pro-MAGA circles. He told me that Tucker, Dan Bongino, and Matt Plaumbo — Bongino’s antisemite, white nationalist fact checker — get together and take turns mouthing each other off to completion while watching old Barry Goldwater videos,” Strohkinoff divulged. “I can’t say exactly how we got it, or exactly what the substance was, but let’s just say we got enough of it confirm a DNA match between Tucker and myself.”
Strohkinoff says if he had known that Tucker Carlson would have been the byproduct of losing track of his penis, he would have kept his hands and eyes on it that whole, fateful day.
“I’m just so terribly sorry. This is all my fault. I’ll never forgive myself,” Strohkinoff told us. “I just hope the world can forgive me, one day, for what I’ve done.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.