RICCI RIVER, NEW JERSEY — If there’s one thing that 35 year old right-wing writer Bill Wickidildaugh knows it’s that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is a dangerous socialist who was indoctrinated by her higher-education into being an ignorant moron communist who doesn’t know anything about economics. If he knows anything else, it’s that he can’t stop thinking, talking , posting memes, and sexually fantasizing about her. Bill is also “supremely confident” that one day he’ll win AOC’s affections with his pithy, sarcastic, mocking, mansplaining, and condescending replies to her social media posts.
“Look, I can’t stand the little commie socialist fool,” Wickidildaugh told listeners to his podcast this weekend. “She says stuff that makes a lot of sense when I let myself fall prey to the liberal scourge of critical thinking, and I know that’s the first signpost on the road to Hell. So I avoid her like the plague, when I’m not spending forty minutes out of every hour meticulously refreshing my Twitter feed for her new posts.”
No matter how dangerous her ideas are for America, nor how “truly stupid and dumb and un-smart” she is according to Bill, that doesn’t stop him from wanting to be involved with her romantically.
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“Maybe I can schlong her into capitalism,” Bill told his audience. “I don’t know for sure. But I have a feeling all AOC needs is a man to explain to her why her female brain is just, science-tastically speaking of course, unable to grasp complex topics like taxation and the economy. Then she’ll be like soft little socialist commie beta putty in my strong, alpha male hands.”
Every day, Wickidildaugh spends at least two hours meticulously combing through Rep. Ocasio-Cortez’ social media posts, looking for opportunities to draw her into a debate with him.
“I know that if I get her to pay attention to me, I can get her to debate me, which will end up leading to us having sex and making babies,” Bill said with hope in his voice. “I hear women are really soft and warm, and if I could just get AOC over her silly notions that people can live on a paltry $20,000 a day, we could live happily ever after.”
Though he’s never managed to hold onto a girlfriend for longer than “it takes them to realize [Bill doesn’t] respect them as anything but sex meat and milk cows for babies,” he’s sure that once Cortez has had the time to “truly digest” what he tells her in all-caps blasts, she’ll “melt into [his] arms.”
“Ladies can’t resist a man who’s smarter than them, and since by natural science and God’s laws every man is smarter than every woman, I just need AOC to notice me and I’m in,” Wickidildaugh said. “So, yeah, if she could just go ahead and notice me, that would be awesome. Hopefully that’ll happen…soon…WHY WON’T AOC NOTICE ME?! NOTICE ME, AOC?!”
If Ocasio-Cortez never notices Bill, and never interacts with him at all, he says he’ll be “just fine” and that won’t stop him from trawling her Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat accounts.
“Hopefully one day AOC will notice me, see how much my arguments are better than hers, and let me into her stupid commie pants, but if not, maybe I’ll get lucky and some other super hot socialist chick will see my comments and want to be led to the light of truth,” Bill said, “and my dong. Hopefully I show some woman the ways of capitalism, and my peener, soon. Being an incel is not easy, and the chaffing is pretty uncomfortable, fam.”
Rep. Ocasio-Cortez could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
