HAMBONE, IOWA — John Sisrovich is a frustrated, lonely man, and he is a self-described “incel,” or a man who doesn’t have sex with females through no choice of his own.

“It’s a little disappointing to spend day after day pining after the touch of a woman,” John tells his podcast audience this week, “and to always come up short. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell them the wage gap is a myth and they’re just making poor decisions and therefore don’t deserve equal pay for equal work, the broads just don’t seem to want to get with my alpha maleness.”

Sisrovich says he realized he was an incel when he looked at his calendar the other day and realized it’s already May.

“And I haven’t gotten any play since January…of 2010,” Sisorovich said.

He’s done a lot of thinking about why he’s spent so much time on the sexual sidelines in his life, and while he could examine his personal views that women are a subservient, preternaturally inferior gender as a basis of some of his bad luck in the dating arena, John is pretty sure he’s isolated the real cause for the dearth of doinking he’s endured.

“It’s all those uppity bitches’ faults,” John ranted to his audience. “It’s all their fault I’m an incel. Is it so much to ask for them to stop being such bitches about not fucking me? It’s not my fault I’m more better educated about the traditional roles of gender in society than they are!”

John insists that “back in the day times” were better than modern times because “that’s when girls knew it was they were duty bound to give up the poon.”

“They weren’t all hyped up on their gender studies courses where they learn through primary sources of information that men have for centuries built power structures that intentionally leave women out of the mix,” Sisrovich raved. “Now? Now they’re all like, ‘Oh, treat me with respect’ this and, ‘You’re not entitled to my pussy’ that. Pfffft. Tell that to GOD, lady, because according to the Bible, your vagina is the rightful property of whichever man does you the solid favor of making you his sex slave and personal breeding mule!”

After doing some deep thinking on the issue, John says he’s come up with an idea that he thinks will inspire the next woman who visits him in his apartment to have sex with him.

“I’m going to ask her to do my dishes, wash my clothes, and make my bed,” John said. “You know, like a good woman does for her man, traditionally. My thinking is that doing all these traditional things a woman does, traditionally, in a traditional manner of course, will spark something deep in her DNA that makes her realize she has a calling in her. And that calling is to hop on my dick.”

Mr. Sisrovich says he will update his podcast audience in the coming weeks on whether or not his new idea works.

James‘ satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts