CDC Updates Guidance on Covering Your Face With Trump’s Ass to Avoid COVID-19

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ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Last year, at one point the Centers for Disease Control believed that in addition to social distancing, washing your hands, and other basic measures, covering one’s face with the rectal tissues of a wannabe dictator and former reality-TV game show host might protect against a COVID-19 infection.

“It doesn’t quite line up with any scientific research in the past,” Dr. Deborah Birx said during a coronavirus briefing at the time, “but given that all the people who come to the White House to spit polish the president’s taint haven’t gotten infected yet, there does at least seem to be some anecdotal evidence that a face covering made from the anal tissues of Don Trump might help keep you safe from COVID-19.”

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Science and medicine are constantly evolving and updating, however, and today the CDC announced that it was drastically updating its guidance on what can be considered a safe and effective face covering.

“Obviously, now that Lindsey Graham has tested positive for COVID-19, we can very easily rule out Trump’s ass as an effective face covering that will protect you from the virus,” the CDC’s Dr. Chester Larue told reporters. “If anyone was ever going to prove that Trump’s ample ass crack was enough to keep you safe from COVID-19, it was going to be Lindsey. With him announcing his diagnosis today, we can chuck about six months of research out the window.”

Last year, when Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) contracted COVID-19, Dr. Larue says the CDC began to grow suspicious that Trump’s butt wasn’t enough of a face covering. Then, when former White House race war adviser Stephen Miller got it, the CDC frantically began re-checking its work. Graham’s announcement of a positive test meant that Larue and his team knew once and for all what they needed to.

“While I’m sure most people in Lindsey’s life are grateful that they’ll get a ten day vacation from him while he quarantines,” Dr. Larue lamented, “here at the CDC we’re disappointed. We really thought, given how much MAGAs love to suck Trump’s exhaust pipe that we might have found a way to keep a lot more of them safe and uninfected. We’ll go back to the drawing board though; it’s just what we do.”

Sen. Graham could not be reached for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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